[SPEED DATING]
HER: Hi, is this seat free?
ME: By all means.
HER: *drags chair across room
ME: WTF?
HER: *laughing, sits with another couple
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Me: the cords are tangled.
Brain: pull at them.
Me: shouldn’t I just untangle them?
Brain: pull at them violently.
My son was so sweet this morning. He took the garbage and recycling out without being asked, so I really think we’re turning a corner on this grouchy morning teen thing.
In unrelated news, my son asked for $20 right before he left for school.
I asked which vaccine she got💀💀💀
Me after watching a horror movie! 🤣🤣
Son, I’ve made some questionable decisions in life & I must go away for awhile to face the consequences.
How I tell my 5yo I’m off to poop
Pack fruit in your lunch so it can decorate your desk until you take it home again.
Apparently when your wife asks you to get your toddler off your bed she doesn’t mean knock him off with a pillow
Cop: anything in your pockets that might hurt me?
“Nah”
*cop pulls out a pic of his ex GF and suspect*
Cop: *wiping tears* I’m over it
Not to get too technical, but chemistry says alcohol IS a solution. So I win.
I just fell flat on my face outside and made a reverse snow angel trying to get up
Her: I just saw my parents having sex on the couch.
Me: Please tell me that’s a drink…
Daughter: Mommy, where does lightning come from?
Me: Well sweetie, when you don’t clean your room, the universe gets very very angry…
That blue kool-aid that barbers keep their combs in tastes funny.
The ONE time I actually want to say “duck”, damn you autocorrect!
“Sorry again! I’d love to join the preschool field trip to the DUCK pond”
I can’t believe Disney didn’t call it “2 Frozen 2 Flurrious.”
I sexually identify as a cup of ramen noodles. I’m little, cheap, will leave you unsatisfied and i’m the last resort for many people.
People in glass houses can throw whatever they want. They live in a glass house, I’m not expecting them to be practical
walking into gamestop smoking a cigar to announce that i own $60 of stock and i demand they add garfield to super smash bros
“Do you know how fast you were going?”
75 in a 55. I’m sorry officer.
“Get out of the car.”
*Cop cuddles driver*
“Stop doing this. I worry.”
Probably the slowest way to die is sloth with a knife.
me: hang on, I’m just gonna jump in the shower
me, in shower: *jumping*
If you’re having second thoughts, you’re 2 ahead of most people.
I just turned my desktop keyboard upside down, shook it, and a taco salad fell out.
At least it tasted like a taco salad.
this tweet changed my entire outlook on life
Miniature Donkeys escaped out of the fence and are heading to town and I’m pretty sure the damn cat orchestrated the entire plan.
Sometimes I run alongside trains, tearfully waving, just so people will think I have a girlfriend.
Why did the belt get arrested?
He held up pants.Please don’t block me.
when bread gets all hard we throw it away but when it’s toast we’re like yay breakfast
*enters username*
“USERNAME NOT RECOGNISED”
*creates new account*
*enters username*
“USERNAME ALREADY IN USE”
*sets fire to self*
*First day as a missing person*
Wife: Hello police? Yeah call it off he was just in the shower.