Not interested in your mayonnaise-based holidays
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‘Drinking water successfully’ is out
‘Drinking water and letting it fall out the side of your mouth somehow and then down your chin and also to your shirt and oh god you’re sitting and the pants got hit too’ is in
[6 months after the pandemic ends]
Me: Oh, so THAT’s how you unmute yourself on Zoom.
No time to explain get in the wood chipper
*smashes car through your living room*
Fancy meeting you here, have you been getting my text messages?
Sorry I said you and your husband look related.
“They’re like a sponge at this age” I say to the parents of the baby I’m using to scrub dishes with.
one of the funniest things in the universe is lmfao making an album called “party rock”, followed by an album called “sorry for party rocking”, followed by them vanishing off of the face of the earth
Adulthood is equal parts ‘nobody can tell me what to do’ and ‘I wish someone would tell me what to do’
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
Me: *googles my symptoms*
WEBMD: drunk for the last 6 days
Job interview…
HR: On a scale of 1-10 how would you rate your maturity?
Me: 69!
HR: I hate this job.
How to play chess:
– Look like you’re thinking for a really long time.
– Move one piece.
– Realize it was a bad choice.
– Flip over the table.
If eHarmony were honest, it would pair some people with a room full of cats.
I just smoked the fattest blunt.. And now my refrigerator is nervous!
Remembering that time in grad school when my advisor, a great ornithologist, got a random call:
drunk guy, bar noises in background: IS THIS THE BIRD PROFESSOR?
my advisor: um..yes?
drunk guy: DO HUMMINGBIRDS HAVE FEET?
my advisor: …yes
*wild cheering over phone from bar*
Friend: I set a new personal record last week
Me: Me too
Friend: I took 2 minutes off my marathon time
Me: I ate 12 tacos in one sitting.
What a kind woman! 😂😂
My yoga instructor said “sometimes not moving is the hardest thing for us to do,” and I started laughing so hard I had to excuse myself.
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
Carpenter ants are bullshit, I left a whole box of ikea furniture here, all they did was carry off my watermelon and steal a picnic basket
Friend: Just make sure you compliment her on something you’ve observed
[On a date]
Me: You’re really good at eating
I don’t care how much it rains, I’m not getting on a sex animal boat with a guy named Noah.
My dad, seeing my 7yo on an iPad: when I was a kid we played with sticks and rocks all day!
My 7yo: oooh I love sticks and rocks! Will you play with sticks and rocks with me all day today?
Your move, grandpa.
Starting tomorrow all opinions of mine directly reflect those of my employers.
Sometimes I wish I had Jesus in my life.
Mostly when I’ve run out of wine.
Anyone can wish upon a star, but it takes guts to wish upon the moon. If you don’t aim that wish perfectly it will ricochet off a crater, which is how we lost the dinosaurs
Hey i am sexy to you now
Owls are just nocturnal pug birds
If you’re not going to offer booze at your wedding, at least have the decency to provide a wifi password.