“Can you describe your self in two words?”
– Lazy.
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You and I share a very special connection.
*I’m parked outside your house using your Wi-fi.
I never claimed to have all the answers. I said two. I have two answers. There’s a guy in Nebraska who has six. Go bother him.
6yo: I like my hair short and long. I want my hair to be short and long at the same time.
Me: *shows her a picture of a mullet*
6yo: Oh no.
I don’t hate people for their skin, creeds or heritage. I hate them based on how fond they are of Minions.
Before encouraging everyone to “do whatever makes you happy,” ask if anyone is a sadist. Don’t encourage the sadists.
I’m not average. I’m mean.
me: my mom’s here to visit
him: oh. did you meet her at the bus station?
me: no i’ve pretty much known her my whole life
Cartoons made it seem like I’d be regularly hit in the head with fallen anvils, but it’s only happened to me three times.
People say ‘bullshit’ like their shit is so high and mighty.
Has anyone tried cutting the pandemic with a knife to make sure it isn’t actually an illusion cake?
When skinny girls say “I’m so fat” to fish for a compliment from me, I just agree.
“Quality over quantity” hmm? Thank you for passing along this incredibly deep thought, Dr. Philosophy. I’m really anticipating your next piece of sage wisdom…perhaps “open the door before trying to walk through it?”
“Im sorry, I’m just really uncomfortable around children,” she said.
“I understand that,” replied the obstetrician, “but I still need you to push.”
The first step to admitting you have a problem is having a problem.
God: Build me an ark.
Noah: A what?
God *pinching his nose*: A big boat.
Noah *looking around the desert*: A what?
[trying to avoid awkward silence on first date]
you ever see a horse throw up?
“no”
*smiles and turns phone sideways so video gets bigger*
Mom 1: That’s my little boy on first base
Mom 2: Mine’s pitching.
Me: That’s my son spinning around in the outfield singing “Let it Go”.
he asked “what are we?” i said we the best
“Please be aware that this call may be recorded for training purposes”
-companies that obviously provide no training
told my boyfriend I was going to start my period and he said, “AGAIN??”
it’s like, you know what, you’re right, I’m cancelling my subscription.
got kicked out of another gang for bringing spinach casserole to the trap house
I think Argentina is quite capable of deciding who it wants to cry for. Stop being so bossy Eva.
Funerals are expensiveeeeeee. Please put me in an airfryer when it’s my time.
Boyfriend is mad at me because he said people are silly to spend $300 on tickets to “Shen Yun: 5,000 Years of Civilization Reborn” and I told him that’s a great deal in terms of years of civilization per dollar
I don’t know why we have three different pig emojis but it’s great for when you need to tell someone a pig is slowly approaching:
🐖🐷
🐽
being a liberal is all fun and games until you need a friend with a truck
my toddler should guest star on American Idol because his critiques of my singing would make Simon Cowell blush
I had to stop food journaling when the potato numbers started rolling in.
When Corner House says something righteous and you just think
Chemical wingman