me: *pays a stranger from the computerwebs to come drive me somewhere*
my mom: WHAT THE HELL!
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and now for my next trick, i will saw a women in half. for this i need a volunteer. how about…MY EX WIFE SANDRA WOW I DIDN’T SEE YOU THERE
If you see me out in public but we haven’t spoken since high school let’s keep it that way.
Her: You are a good looking guy
My brain: She likes you don’t make this weird
My mouth: You too
My brain: He shoots and hits a baby in the upper bleachers
God: You have been freed from the shackles of corporeal form, my son. All of time and space are yours to experience. What will you do?
Spirit me: Probably just hang around my old apartment and make an occasional weird noise at night.
Just taught my son how to use a hand dryer, and of course the last step was, “and then wipe them on your pants.”
To be honest you were our third choice for this poisoner job but the other two got poiso… oh that was you, nice
Him: Do you gamble?
Me: I don’t even sneeze without crossing my legs.
Unappreciated diet tip: If you want to lose a significant amount of weight, it’s important to start out really fat.
me: I need to buy a train ticket
employee: window or aisle
me: *suddenly nervous* or you’ll what
My neighbour’s wife left him last week.
She said she was going out for milk and never came back.I asked him how he was coping.
He said, “Not bad. I’ve been using some of that powdered stuff”.
My husband asked me to cut his hair. I think the zigzag designs turned out very well despite his bad attitude.
My original account got suspended for aggressive behavior and they haven’t even seen me in bed yet.
What I say:
Please don’t jump on the sofa arm.What they hear:
Kids, this is a pommel horse. Enjoy.
It’s like my Grandma always says, “I died three years ago. This is starting to get weird.”
In Texas you’re allowed to shoot someone just for being on your property. Man if I lived there I’d host sooo many parties
Blending in with the normals like:
Her: A baby! Oh he’s so cute I want to pinch his cheeks! Can I hold him?
Her: Oh my God I could just eat him up!
Me: I also wish to cannibalize the infant
… I now pronounce you husband and wife! You may now eat the onion ring
I can’t wait for my mom to come to my new house so she can tell me how I organized the kitchen wrong.
Staring at my daughters dolls and wondering which one will kill me in my sleep.
Did you know cats are called cats because they’re roughly half the size of cattle?
The lady next to me on this plane thinks I’m in her seat, she keeps asking what my ticket says.
Looks like we have a big problem, cause my ticket doesn’t talk.
when a commercial says “available wherever books are sold” it sounds like they don’t know where books are sold
Once, just once in my life, I’d love a guy to grab me, pull me in close and whisper
I’m hunting wabbits.
chugging a woman’s entire drink at the bar and then saying “you’re safe. there is nothing in your drink”
Worm: first snake and now me? this is bullsh-
God: I literally just ran out of legs my dude.
Worm: I mean that’s fair.
[Centipede crawls by]
Worm:
God: I didn’t say why I ran out of legs.
DATE: so…this is your place?
ME: yea…not fancy but it suits me. *opens flap of bouncy house* oh, also do you mind taking off your shoes
Nature abhors a vacuum.
Nature isn’t too fond of leaf blowers either. And don’t even get Nature started on car alarms.
it must be school picture day
For all the bad things that happened this year I sure did get fat.
Every time I eat a banana in public, a stranger offers me money to do it in private.
I ate 32 bananas today & made $725.
I have diarrhea.