Maybe it’s just me, but I know a few people that Cupid should shoot with a gun.
You Might Also Like
Don’t expect me to tweet between 8 & 9 pm because that’s when I dress like Madonna for an hour and dance provocatively in front of my pets.
What do we want?
Decisiveness!
When do we want it?
Ummm…
What’s the issue officer?
Officer: You have no idea why I pulled you over?
I have some ideas, but would like to hear your opinion first.
My buddy’s PRETTY drunk…
So I took the car key off of his keychain…
He’s been trying to start his car with a house key for 4 hours now
Me texting friend: Hey! What’s up?
Buddy: *sends picture of ceiling*
Me: I am so glad I didn’t ask “how’s it hanging”
“I’m caught in a love hexagon.” – polygamists
Diets are for people who can’t afford to buy bigger clothes.
My friend was too embarrassed to tell people she met her husband on Tinder so she started telling people she met him at a family reunion instead because that’s less awkward..
Roomba should have a laundry function where it goes around your house picking up clothes off the floors and delivers them to your washing machine.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
Hubby wanted to start the new year out with a bang – So I shot him..
[wife calls]
“What time will you be home?”
“About 6.”
“Good, my parents are here &-”
“Actually there’s been a fire at work & we all died.”
A guy in the store on his cell said “Susan, I’m in my car on my way” so I yelled “NO HE’S NOT!” Because nobody lies to Susan in front of me.
Just once i’d like to see a chicken picking out a rotisserie person
My friend of mine likes to name her cars. She jokingly named her car after me. As soon as she did it started leaking oil and backfiring.
I am not shocked.
I’m never happier to not have small children than when I hear a disney on ice commercial
Just bought a set of alphabet magnets for my fridge, so this may very well be my last tweet.
Batman Begins Scrapbooking #AddaWordRuinaMovie
[sees a woman eating pizza on the hiking trail]
Me: hi I think we were separated at birth
If your kids aren’t drinking enough water, tell them it’s bedtime.
Glad my dog is warning me about the child walking down the street catching snowflakes on his tongue. He seems sketchy.
Doc gave me new meds & I forgot what he said to do with the old meds so been taking em all and boy o boy what a day.
Make sure you know what you’re getting tonight…#HAPPYHALLOWEEN. #GirlCode
I am so proud to be part of a society that needs television commercials to remind us not to lock our kids in hot cars.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Reporter: so what is it like being in Maroon 5 when you’re not Adam Levine, um Mr. Uh-
*quickly googles for his name but google has no idea*
a horse standing on its tiptoes after seeing a giraffe
Back in my day we had another word for selfie sticks, we called them friends.
ME: baby, I want to turn eucalyptYOU & eucalyptME into eucalyptUS
HER: you don’t flirt much, do you?
ME: I do not
Hope my marriage can make it through another season of disagreement over the pronunciation of pecan.