My 8-year-old just offered me leftover cashews from his lunch, asking “Do you want these nuts?” and I’m not mature enough to be a parent.
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MOM ITS NOT A DOLLHOUSE IM PRETENDING TO BE A GIANTE THATS TERRORIZING A FAMILY GOSH *waits for mom to leave* and im makig them have tea
A good hack to make my house look clean and tidy in the evening is to turn all the lights off.
The people who invented cars were called the automan empire. Also the people who invented weight training are called history buffs. Knowledge is power.
My theory is that planet of the apes wasn’t really about apes but people who spent a long time in lockdown without access to a hairdresser
Me: “I love you.”
4: “Thanks. I love Batman.”
Remember when we used to call the “self check-out” – ‘Theft’?
Just grabbed milk, bread and coffee at the store and the cashier told me to have fun…
Wife: who are all these children?
Me: *shrugs* you said pick up the kids
Wife: I meant our kids
Me: yeah, that makes more sense
*takes the high road
*gets a DUI
GOD: How many animals left to make?
ANGEL: 2
G: Ok how many aerial locomotion abilities left?
A: 1
Flying Squirrel: Dibs!
Penguin: WHAT
“The Mystery of the Chewed Shoe” was easily solved when one of the two primary suspects folded under the strain of interrogation.
How to build a nested list
1) Start like this
A) Then do this
Bird: I live here now
2) Make sure to get the bird out
Bird: NO
HR: Do you know why we called you in here today?
Me: I’m not taking off my Batman suit, sir.
Lady next to me in 50 Shades pulled out her glasses & asked if she missed the good part. I said no, the credits weren’t rolling yet.
her: i hate ultimatums
me (thought she said “old tomatoes”): well i love them, so time to decide. it’s them or me.
[inventing llamas]
Angel: didn’t you just make those yesterday?
God: that was an alpaca
Angel: what’s the difference?
God: I don’t know
Angel: …
God: nobody knows
If you don’t sleep now, you’ll sleep during the exam. If you sleep now, you’ll fail in the exam. Life is a mess.
[At microphone]
*clears throat*
“Salsa. Ballet. Conga. Waltz. Jitterbug. Tap.”
*crowd cheers*
“Thanks for attending my dance recital.”
Me: eugh! What have you done to this food?
Them: That’s called flavour
Me, a Brit: Well, I dont like it
Plot twist. When giving birth, women can finally understand how it feels like for a man to have a headache.
If you pretend you’re skimming you can straight up throw rocks at people.
First thing on my bucket list is to jump off a cliff and the rest are just tricks I’ll do in the air.
I’m just saying if McDonald’s is selling an Irish-themed shake they should have the decency to throw a little booze in it. ☘️
What if gravity…was invented by the vacuum industry so there was always shit on the floor to clean up. Just hear me out tho.
Taped a note to the beehive warning the Queen to recall her bees or face a flamethrower. Bitch called and told me to suck her bee clit. 🙁
The big phone companies don’t want you to know that you can get a free call whenever you want by punching a cop.
OPTOMETRIST: Better or worse? Better or worse?
ME: You don’t *have* to talk during sex
Ironically I’m watching an exercise infomercial because I’m too lazy to get the remote.
Surround yourself with people who don’t make you sage your home after they’ve left.
Today I learned that you never bring a ‘I did the dishes’ to a ‘you never pick things up’ fight