Dietician: “I can help you lose weight in 12 easy steps.”
Me: “Is there an elevator?”
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My natural facial expression is that of a slightly pissed off serial killer
Me: oh man, I love the 80s
My grandparents: we have names
When I first heard the term hang gliding I thought the Americans had invented something even more theatrical than the electric chair.
Do you have FB?
No
Do you have Twitter?
No
Instagram?
No
What do you have?
A life.
…
…
Can I have it?
No. I need it to play Candy Crush.
“That’s a lot of food” I say as if I’m not going to eat it all.
awkward
When his teacher told us that our toddler is kind and sweet to the other kids in school I was so relived. If he treated other people the way he treated me he’d be in jail.
People say I’m self-centered, but the important thing is that they’re talking about me
Them: This is our top-of-the-line model, availa-
Me: I’ll take it.
Them: Sir?
Me: *climbing into casket* Just close the lid behind me.
Okay you guys, I’m gonna distract Twitter with an internal server error. When I do, make a run for it and get your life back.
:# <— emoticon for “I’m eating a brillo pad”
My 5yo is writhing on the ground with her legs in the air screaming into a blanket while we wait for our food delivery.
It’s like looking in a mirror.
When I was younger, I thought all the sexual acts were numbered and everyone just knew them, like 69.
So I would just say random numbers and act surprised when others didn’t know about it.
On Twitter, I still need to pretend I know what y’all talking about..
I’m just a boy… Standing in front of a girl…
Her: “Move.”
Daddy will my cockatoo go to heaven?
– Heaven is a place of serenity and joy, right?
*nods, wiping tear*
– Then Mr. Shrieks won’t be there.
“I’m just playing devil’s advocate here.” Ok why are you helping the devil?
A new day and another chance to turn it all around. [sitcom laughter]
I’d forgo the grocery store, but I’ve seen the way my kids look at me when they’re hungry. Self-preservation is highly motivating.
[playing guitar in hotel lounge]
Me: *puts out cigarette* Any more requests out there tonight?
Front desk: Yes. Would you please get out of the lobby?
[Starbucks Assassins Inc]
CHIEF: Write this down. Target’s name is John
BARISTA: [writes] Jamie
C: Ok. Memorise it
B: [eyes shut] Janet
no, archaeologists cannot determine a person’s sex purely from their skeleton. but they CAN determine if you regularly shot an english longbow, which is much more important.
[1st time buying drugs]
Me: can I get a *reads smudged notes on hand* married iguana
Guy: *opens coat to reveal married iguanas*
Me: hell ya
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
Just finished cleaning and can’t find the kids.
We’re fighting a fruit fly infestation, and I would have thought it was obvious they’re at the wrong house.
[1st date, opening scene of star wars]
ME: *leans over* those are the stars
DATE: thanks
ME: but you have to wait for the wars
Airport Yelp reviews are like “security took forever, drinks are too expensive 1/5 stars. Will fly again”
[me giving my friend who owes me $12 a tarot reading] oh wow. okay. the tower. in the tarot this is traditionally the symbol for you owing me $12
She danced her way into his heart.
-She was doing the robot tho, so she looked like an idiot.