when the author kills off your favorite character 馃槶馃槶馃槶
You Might Also Like
Daughter: Daddy, why do I have to go to bed so early?
Me: Because we have had enough of you for today
I accidentally confused Star Trek with Star Wars and some kid threatened to cut me with his Virgin card.
You know Santa isn’t real because no man over 40 is out past 9PM.
Plastic silverware: because the only thing I hate more than poisoning the environment is washing dishes.
There’s only two types of people in the world; people who think they can categorize everything, and people who are not morons.
(At the bar)
Woman: Hi, I think I’ve seen you somewhere before.
Me: Must be Twitter
Her: Did you say Tinder?
Me: Ya know, maybe that was it
My 3yo wakes me up way too early each morning by singing.
So this morning, I woke up early, went into his room and started singing to show him how much it sucks.
Then we had a duet and my point was missed.
Many people told me I would benefit exposing myself to art.
Stop playing that stupid game and pick a Netflix movie Arthur!
Being shitty in a relationship is actually doing the world a favor if your partner is a songwriter
the eldest child I nanny (she’s 5) has a game where she sits us all in a circle and gives us each a coin with a sticker on one. anyways if we flip our coin and it lands sticker-side-up we have to touch the dead bee she keeps under her bed in a tupperware.
掳at Nike advertising meeting掳
I need a slogan for these shoes by the end of the day. I don’t care how it gets done just do it..hold up a sec
The Purge, but only for people who use their speakerphones in public.
Waiter: How is everything?
Me: This is a salad
Waiter: Yes
Me: I ordered spaghetti
Waiter: Yeah. We are really worried about you, dude
*FINALLY gets truck washed*
*immediately judges people’s dirty vehicles*
Nah mate, when the Americans talk about football they mean that silly game where the fat men dress up as Transformers
This South Beach diet is BRUTAL. I can only eat a sensible face for breakfast, a sensible face for lunch, then just CELERY for dinner.
Plummeting toward the ground, my primary chute failed, I have a glimmer of hope: my backup chute. Grabbing it, I yell over the screaming wind, “Go get help, boy!” and send it off. Hopefully it will return in time.
I peed on my neighbors shrubs one time and he installs cameras, one time.
Me: Shut the hell up!
Her: Maybe you wanna take this outside?
Me: *checks weather app* Can’t. There’s a high pollen alert right now.
When the cops are at your door have on a cape, carry a wand, and tell them you’re a magician when they ask how your boyfriend disappeared.
if you eat one piece of bread shortly after you’re born and another piece right before you die, all food is a sandwich
what i say: do not eat food outside of the kitchen
what my kids hear: eat food ALL over the house. i don’t even care if you use plates or bowls. i love stepping and sitting in crumbs and shit.
I asked 4 if she was excited to start school and she said she doesn鈥檛 need to go to school bc she already know lots of words and if she runs out she can just make them up
The Cranberries put a zombie in your head and you just let them.
[Company Christmas luncheon]
Coworker: Nice, so you鈥檙e entering the ugly sweater contest?
Me: Ugly sweater contest?
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
[2 detectives are at a murder scene]
“my god Wilkins. Are you thinking what im thinking?”
…
“a lasagne driving a car?”
“Exactly”
It’s because it’s Bring Your Daughter To Work Day, sweetie. That’s why. What Papa is doing right now is called an “autopsy”. Stop crying.
my favorite part of nextdoor is seeing neighbors toss around the latest street slang such as ‘casing the joint’