“Name?” queries the Starbucks barista. The almighty feathered serpent Quetzalcoatl only sighs.
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My 7yo, as we drive past the tennis courts near his school: “that’s where all the old grandpas yell at each other.”
The inventor of the Venn diagram has died. He touched many lives. Some more than others.
Son: am I adopted?
Me: not yet, but we’re hopeful.
Waiter: Can I get you something to drink?
Me: just cheese dip
Waiter: ….
Me: With a straw please
[puts key in lock]
DO YOU AGREE TO NEW TERMS & CONDITIONS?
“sigh.”
*Accept
[door opens, rooms are smaller, furniture is moved]
Dog: “Moooo!”
Unless you have stellar reflexes, throwing a bouncy ball at your spouse during an argument is not the best choice.
My one egret is eating at the aviary. My food had a heron it.
*runs into long lost friend*
Him- I started out on the bottom now I’m a district MGR. what do you do?
Me- I disappoint people
Had a guy message me to tell me no DMs so I didn’t answer his message and then he got upset I didn’t answer his message… and y’all say women are weird.
Before you have kids, practice yelling “GET UP NOW OR I WILL TAKE YOU TO SCHOOL IN YOUR PAJAMAS!” & see if it’s right for you.
CUTE GIRL I LIKE: I’m gonna hang up
ME TRYING TO FLIRT: No you hang up
Hate to be nosey, people in the hallway, but you’re too effing loud and yes, that mole should be looked at.
Okay hear me out. A morning after pill. But for calories from a heavy dinner.
If anyone asks I got this cardigan from a vending machine
Shout out to the kidney bean, the trachea celery, the gall bladder peanut and other foods named after internal organs.
u are suposed to knock on watermelons befor u eat them to make sure that u are not eatimg anybodys home
I took some free community martial arts lessons for self-defense, but I’m starting to think Tai Chi is too slow for most muggers.
It’s normal for people to change the locks and forget to tell you…right?
I picked the wrong year to stop drinking.
– a Memoir
GOD: I call this Tupperware
SATAN: remember when I let u crash at my place and u said u owed me one
G: yes
S: make the lid a little smaller
Me: [buckling 3yo into car seat] You can’t have a popsicle in the car. You’ll get messy and sticky.
3yo: *ear-shattering screams*
Me: Good point. How many do you want?
Orange juice, 2 coffees, some fruit, bacon, mushrooms, potato with something sausagey & then another coffee. They were serving cake too but I didn’t have any because I’m not an animal.
ME: and what are we going to do next time?
7YR OLD: you’re going to let me know in advance before you shave your beard
M: and for you?
7: I’m not going to scream “STRANGER! DANGER!” or call 911
The Force can make you lift a spaceship out of the swamp, but proper sentence structure teaching, it can not.
going to the gym to throw donuts at all the skinny people
[date]
Me: Wanna watch Star Wars?
Him: No interest, before my time.
Me *pretending to choke him with my mind*
Him: What’re you doing?
Me *taking long drag on cigarette: “Kids, funerals aren’t really for the dead you know. They’re for the living”
*2 weeks later
[In church]
Priest: “We are gathered here today to…”Me *furiously banging on coffin lid: “This is not what I meant!“
[invasion]
*aircrafts dropping from the sky
*explosions everywhere
*mass hysteria
Me scrolling phone: Where was that alien invader gif?
One of the kids has started shouting, “speak of the devil!” whenever I walk in the room