Woke up feeling not too shabby for a 55-year-old. The only problem is I’m still in my 40s.
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[sees some cut grass]
“Nice”
[sees some ripped leaves]
“oh yea”
[sees a twig with a 6 pack]
“holy shit”
subtitles are for when you’re eating chips
[lava kids playing in a volcano]
“the floor is linoleum!”
AUSTRALIAN: Didgeridoo?
ME: No, I was happy with my first try.
I want to be more optimistic about aging but my 5 year old just found out I am 30 today and now she’s claiming the jewelry she wants to have when I’m dead.
Two words: Egg Newtons™
Hard boiled eggs with a delicious fig filling.
My favorite game to play after shaving my head is “How much lint did I collect by the next morning?”
If you watch the Social Network backwards, it’s about a man gaining more friends and a girlfriend as he spends less time on Facebook.
Opening emails from the school.
“I know we’ve given you no prior notice but tomorrow please can all pupils wear a Roman inspired costume, bring a donation for the Xmas raffle, a gluten free homemade cake for the coffee morning & a thimble containing two droplets of Walrus blood”.
Revenge is a dish best served with revengetables.
The squirrels of Grand Canyon might be cute. But they’ll beg. They’ll steal. They’ll bite. They’ll do anything to get what you want. So don’t trust them. Don’t approach them. And don’t give them anything—or they might take everything. – BM
Hotel Front Desk: checking out ma’am?
Me: I’m a mom of three, I checked out a long time ago.
HFD:
Me: oh yes, I’m done with the room.
A bird in the hand is worth nothing. Birds are not an acceptable form of currency.
I said hi to someone and a bug flew into my mouth. Lesson learned.
Rather than trying to “change” your passwords, accept them for their imperfections and they will grow stronger than you can possibly imagine
My boyfriend was explaining to me how its nice to be with me as I’m so easy to keep happy. Enjoying the positive comments I asked him to elaborate, he says well all you need is to sleep well, eat lots and go for nice walks, to which I suddenly realised I am a golden retriever
To inspire all the wonderful women of Twitter I’m sending you all good vibes today. Tomorrow I will ship the batteries.
[blind date]
HER: i love classic rock
ME: (trying to impress) i’ve been to Stonehenge
*Organizing closet*
Husband: Where do you want your wedding dress?
Me: Oh, just put it with the others.
Husband: What?
Me: What?
Why do they call her “Grumpy Cat” and not “Sourpuss?”
People tend to overreact when they look in their rear view mirror & see you sitting in their backseat dressed like a clown.
Imagine breaking up on the moon but then you have the whole rocket ship ride home together
*zoom meeting*
Boss: do you have anything to add, you’ve been very quiet during this discussion
Me: well sir, it’s because I haven’t been listening
me: listen pal no one talks to me that way
guy with british accent:
If you didn’t need at least five napkins and your sleeve, that burger wasn’t greasy enough.
Husband: Do you like it hard or soft?
Wife: You know I like it hard-parents passing taco shells on a wild Tuesday night
she loves me [takes bite of hotdog]
she loves me not [takes another bite of hotdog]
Wife: we have to get rid of these ants
Me: if u don’t look at them they disappear
Wife: that’s ignorant
Me: i know the technical term linda
Songs with lyrics like, “We don’t need sleep,” why are you rebelling against naps? What are you–four?