Me: kids, your mother & I are in a gang now. There’s room for 2 more members
Son: but there’s 3 of us
Me [petting both our dogs]: 3 what?
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[Fancy restaurant]
DATE: *seductively* I like a man who knows what he wants
ME: *way too loudly* THERE’S NOT ENOUGH KETCHUP ON MY TATER TOTS
Squirrels get most of their energy from chewing on powerlines, that acorn thing is just for show.
Perks of dating me : I’m too lazy to cheat on you
I told my 2yo I was coming to his preschool holiday party and he looked really worried and said, “but what chair will you sit in?” Glad to know anxiety about literally nothing is genetic.
My wife and I couldn’t agree about whether or not I’m her hero. She’s in the bathroom right now and I’ve hid the toilet paper. We’re about to resolve this.
“Why don’t you want to have kids?”
*motions hysterically in every direction*
I don’t eat cats and dogs. Dogs are cute and I’m allergic to cats.
*my lawyer leans in and whispers in my ear*
Cats are also cute.
CW: what did you do to your hair today?
Me: It’s really unclear whether you think it’s good or you think I slept in a ditch.
Me: Just one more hit. I need it.
Him: *crying* Think about what you are doing to our family. Please.
Me: *hits snooze button*
There’s a good time and a bad time to share feedback with your wife about things that have been weighing on you, like your inner most desires, hopes or just tightening lids better.
There’s also a horrible time.
Wife: *on hands and knees cleaning up a half a gallon of ranch*
#parenting
Me: I miss baseball
Umpire: Strike one!
Of course everyone seems sexy in a nightclub.
There’s liquor and you can’t hear them.
My wife said I need to grow up.
I was speechless.
It’s hard to say anything when you have 45 gummy bears in your mouth
Me: *turns on game
Wife: *turns on vacuum
Me: *turns volume to max
Wife:
Me:
Wife:
Wife: *runs vacuum slowly in front of television
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
I love a man who looks so deeply into my eyes, it’s like you can see my soul
Optometrist: please stop talking
Pediatrician: They’re only getting two hours of screen time a day, right?
Me: HAHAHAHA! I mean, yes.
Meet Melissa. She is very obviously a Catfish and she clearly did not check my Instagram profile before messaging me.
Got into loads of trouble at work for making “racist noises”. I just accepted the slap on the wrist because it was easier explaining that I was pretending to be the dad from Pingu.
Chicago sounds lovely.
got really excited about japanese politics for a minute there
If these walls could talk they would definitely say wow this guy really does add cheese to everything after all
INTERVIEWER: What is your greatest strength?
ME: I can anagram anything
WIENER RIVET: And your greatest weakness?
*gets summoned to the spider court*
YOU ARE HEREBY CHARGED WITH THE CRUSHING OF 4 SPIDERS
HOW DO YOU PLEAD?
*places glass over spider judge*
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
*Sees someone tying a yellow ribbon around a tree*
Me: Oh dang, Groot knows karate
Bees: why are all the humans disappearing
[In meeting, puts cap on pen]
Me: Thanks everyone.
Coworker: Oh, also I nee–
Me: No, did you not see me cap my pen? This meeting is over.
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN