A student brought me 20 huge homemade chocolate chip cookies today. Good thing I have self-control–I saved one for my kids. To split.
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we’re insta mutuals now 😌😌😌
My boss said I have a lot of emotional intelligence which I think is his way of saying, “we’re worried about your actual intelligence”
Why is it called a knuckle sandwich, and not fist food?
My daughter was looking at a photo and asked…“How come you don’t look like this anymore?” Was about to be sad but then realized the pic was of Halloween and I was dressed up as Pippi Longstocking and she just really likes flying pigtails
When you finally manage to get the piece of popcorn out of your teeth
I cry way more when I’m angry than when I’m sad. So if you see my tears, look out for my left hook too.
Filming my own version of “Taken” using cats. My cat will play Liam Neeson and the red dot from a laser pointer is his daughter.
Apparently all my new nephew wants to do is eat and sleep…which means he’s already a lot like me.
Accidentally got in the 10 items or less line with 11 items again, so I made two separate transactions so I wouldn’t piss anyone off.
Interviewer: Nice, a 4.0. Straight A’s!
Me: No, blood alcohol content.
You can’t ban me from your neighborhood just because I “look scary” and “want to kill you.”
That’s discrimination.
I yell “COVER ME!” at my family everyday when I go to the mailbox.
If you honk your horn .2 seconds after the stoplight turns green, I can promise I’m prepared to spend the rest of my life adjusting my seat and my mirrors before driving off.
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
the whole world: we might not recover from the covid era for another 2 to 3 years these are truly dark times
marketing people:
HER: Mmm you smell good.
ME: Thanks. I use both my nostrils.
on a date with a guy who got evicted for chewing through all the wires in his house
I cleaned out all my closets and now it looks like a flea market threw up in my dining room.
Me: *just finished watching Shark Week* Did you know sharks have to swim continuously or they’ll die?
Wife: Yes. Everyone knows that.
Me: It’s kinda like you, but with talking. LOL
Wife:
Me: OMG! Say something!
My kid wants to cuddle with her piggy bank at night. I think I’m raising Mr. Krabs
“I’m not sure-”
wife: honey he’s a zookeeper if he says these are koalas I trust him-aww look at them!
*the raccoons hiss from the dumpster*
*seductively moistens your lips with the meatloaf
That tweet is awesome. You guys are awesome. Twitter is awesome. I’ve made awesome friends on Twitter. A thesaurus would be awesome.
Interviewer: Why do you want to work in customer service?
Me: Well, I’m really good at apologizing for things that aren’t my fault
me: how much for the dog bouquet
girl walking dogs: what
100% per cent of survey respondents said: help us get out of this tall tree. we didn’t know this survey involved being stuck in a tree
Them: What are you wearing?
Me: A T-shirt depicting a cat dressed up as a cowboy riding a shark that’s shooting lasers through the sky. Oh and cat. There’s enough cat hair on me to be wearing at least 1 actual cat.
I told my husband not to get me anything for Valentine’s Day, now we wait…
Gonna trade in my wife’s menstrual cycle for a really cool mountain bike.