Parrots can live to be 75 years old *makes eye contact with parrot* …but not if they keep repeating the refrain to “Lime In the Coconut”
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[pilot on plane intercom] Is there a doctor on boa… *extreme vomiting noises*… Is there an exorcist on boa… *sound of pilot being eaten*…[demon voice] Does anyone on board have any tabasco sauce?
*puts leash around pet lobster*
I think there will be games and lots of friends to play with Pinchy
*walks into Lobsterfest*
COVER YOUR EYES
Bruce Willis is at the supermarket, standing by the cucumbers & laughing hysterically, pointing at them with tears streaming down his face
I wonder if this guy ahead of me in line would mind if I pulled his jeans up for him.
It’s been a good 12 months for dogs
Please stop telling me how long your baby is in inches. I need something more visually relatable. Oh, your baby was 3.5 hot dogs long? Cool.
Some people exercise on purpose by rowing little boats.
Canoe believe that?
I accidentally put on my dad’s deodorant this morning and now I’m walking around offering people hard candy and asking “Working hard or hardly working?”
Me: Welcome to my home! Make yourself confit!
Her: Thanks! *grabs a blanket* Wait… did you say “comfy”?
Me: *setting a tray of duck legs and bucket of duck fat in front of her* I did not.
Shout out to the top 5 waters in the world, holy, tap, you can lead a horse to, baby with the bath and bridge over troubled.
“Get over yourself.”
*Me teaching clones how to play leapfrog
Growing up I really thought piranhas would have been a bigger problem in my life.
Never understood the desperation behind placing ur order in English at KFC/McD. Heard a guy practicing his order while sanding in the queue.
if i ever write “seemingly” in a discussion post or an essay you can bet i have absolutely NO IDEA what im talking about
In case you’re considering having kids, I’ve been awake since sunrise trying to fulfill breakfast requests of: 1. Pancakes 2. Pizza 3. Green
For Sale: Parachute. Only used once, never opened, small stain.
I took the PBJ out a couple of times, but things got stale, my relationship with the milk soured quickly, and I wouldn’t really call what that bagel and I did “dating”.
The worst fight I’ve ever been in is with Clingwrap.
Abs are for people who can’t afford good food.
*accidentally answers phone call*
*pretends to be answering machine*
Having a Rolex isn’t a flex if it tells you when your lunch break is over
I just want to retire to Ireland and eat fish & chips every day, is that too much to ask?
My bank account: Yes
comedian: everyone has that one friend who…
me: let me stop you right there
give me a pen that doesnt look like a flower before i kill myself, Sheryl.
Hey, parents of an only child considering having one more, know that I just split an M&M in half.
An M&M.
In half.
I asked my son to look through the playroom for things to donate to goodwill, and he was so generous about it, within minutes, he came back with a whole bag filled with his sister’s toys.
I’m not saying breakfast tacos are the cure but I’ve had breakfast tacos every day for 2 weeks and I’m COVID19 free, you do the math.
If anything bites you, chain yourself in the basement for the next full moon. Just to be sure.
*things I learned from horrors
when someone replies to a locked account it’s like watching Han talk to Chewie