If you’re depressed, start exercising.
You’ll still be depressed, but you’ll be depressed with abs.
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DOG: she keeps using heart emojis when we text
DOG FRIEND: which color heart?
DOG: *shows friend phone* the gray one
DOG FRIEND: omg
7yo son: Mom, can you hand me a tissue so I can blow my nose?
Me: Is it already—
7: It’s already on my finger, yes.
It’s the year 2354, the world is now like that futuristic Bruce Willis movie.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No, the other one.
No,
criminal: oh no it’s lobster man
lobster man: [quickly sidestepping around them] move one inch and you get the pinch
criminal: [takes out rubber bands]
lobster man: oh god no
ladies and gentlemen this is your captain speaking, please fasten your seatbelts i wanna try something
*making a phone call* please don’t pick up please don’t pick up
911 operator: 911, what is your emergency?
*Aquarium
GUIDE: Octopuses are sensitive to camera flash so please turn off…ma’am don’t flash the octopus
ME: [pulls shirt back down] ok
me: take your age
wife: ok
me: add 2 to it
wife: yay, magic, okay, what’s next
me:
.
.
me: that’s not your age
wife: why are you ?
Mirror, mirror on the wall, was the dwarfs’ mother high when she named them all?
Flat-Earthers play basketball with a frisbee.
Therapist: So why are you guys here?
Me: I feel like we are having communication problems.
Him: This is our first date?
I’ve seen people tear a phone book in half with their bare hands & I just had to use scissors to open a bagged salad.
It’s funny how Gina who cheated on me in 9th grade because I was “too much of a prude” is now a Catholic school teacher.
*sees “The customer is always right” sign*
*the waiter sees me looking at it and mouths “not you”*
[I dont get invited to a party]
me: shit
[I get invited to a party]
me: Shit.
Having a toddler has trained me well for pumpkin season. I’m ready to carry up to 25 pounds of something for long distances because it is utterly incapable of walking.
Me: I’ve joined a 12-step program.
Friend: That’s great. What are you trying to get off of?
Me: The treadmill very quickly
The reason I like true crime stuff is you can watch it and be like, “damn, I really do have my shit together. I almost never murder my whole family”
Hey ladies, No Shave November ain’t for you. Just saw some gal lookin’ like she was tryin’ to smuggle a cactus in her yoga pants. Merica.
Say what you will about Facebook but when my wife sees posts by my extended family, at least I don’t look so bad.
this is the best interaction on twitter
who will die first, you or grey’s anatomy?
That feeling of unadulterated smugness that comes when you get the daily Wordle in fewer attempts than the rest of your family
Not to be too political but liquid shouldn’t drip out first when you’re squeezing out mustard.
My standards in my 20’s- brooding & poetic
30’s tall, nice smile, secure job
40’s – hmm I bet that shouty homeless guy would clean up nice
I really was gonna jog at the park today….but I just found an empty park bench so I’ll just have a few smokes and cheer the joggers on.
My 6yo is excited at the possibility of being a ghost, but wants to know if her toys will remain real toys or become ghost toys
Guardians of the Galaxy was pretty good, I just wish they did a better job explaining which character was Groot
*opening heating bill* I wonder how much coal will fit in my stocking
I hear the Pink Panther song when I sneak down the hall for a midnight snack..