Today I brought my trash out wearing roller skates and a tiara simply because I like keep my neighbors guessing.
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God: i’ll just make it a combined food and air pipe with a little switch flap. That’ll probably work fine
Me: I want to-
Boss: Do not tell me you want to quit!
Me: What?!! That word isn’t even in my vocabulary!
Boss: Ok good. Go on
Me: I want to stop working here
I live on the edge. I set my coffee on my rounded couch arm.
Why do we call it toilet paper? Does anyone wipe their toilet with it?
Her: I need advice.
Me: (eating cookie dough for breakfast) You came to the right person.
I speak fluent hint. – No man anywhere, ever, never ever
It’s OK to pet him. Buffalo are gentle creatures.
So there’s a legend that in 1593, a soldier in Manila teleported to Mexico and I’ve never felt so connected to the lengths someone will go to for tacos.
If you can’t disappear into a well for six months and return with disheveled hair, a glowing tattoo with mysterious symbols, and a blind raven on your shoulder, with no explanation…were they really your friends in the first place?
Tie a sweater around your waist so you can pretend a short ghost is hugging you.
[person at the grocery store is crowding my personal space]
me: oh hi do you work here can i ask you a question
[person at the grocery store is immediately no longer crowding my personal space]
“My hair is noisy”
“My toe nails are itchy”
“someone peed in my pants”– A list of my 4 year-old’s 3 a.m. Grievances.
Bury me with thousands of bottle caps so whoever finds me 2000 years from now really freaks out
[First date]
Me: I’m gonna need to hear how you think the word “loser” is spelled.
The best part about Facebook is never having to wonder what your acquaintance’s baby is doing all day everyday day.
My 8 yo daughter’s idea of cleaning is sitting in front of the fridge and eating all the food.
You learn something every day
I thought Game of Thrones was a show about bathrooms
My uncle (111 M) gifted me (50 M) a ring before leaving to go travelling. A close family friend (2,019 M) told me to destroy the ring due to problematic associations with the jeweller who made it, but the ring is precious to me and I would feel guilty throwing it away. AITA?
(opens door)
Me: Staff meeting soon
CW: GET OUT!
M: Nice carpet
CW: SHUT THE DOOR!
M: Can I borrow some toilet paper? The next stall is out.
Terrify your parents by answering your cellphone.
If I had ten cookies and you took one,what would you have?
That’s correct.
A black eye and broken hand.
did it hurt? when u opened ur bank app
The folks who named Good & Plenty just flat-out phoned it in.
just mowed the backyard
[idiot mocking voice] “but deg what will u do this weekend?”
hell, the way it grows i’ll be able to mow sunday idiot
Twitter takes me places I’ve never been before. Take oncoming traffic for example.
[standing at the hospital nursery window with other new parents]
ME: this zoo is terrible
i just saw a black girl rt one of those teenage girl accounts saying “i honestly wish I was a teen in the 50’s”………. no u don’t
God, I hate Apple. I updated my iPhone software and now I’m missing a bunch of photos, 30 bucks from my dresser and my favorite pants.
Nothing makes me scream louder during sex than when my husband calls to let me know he’s on his way home from work.