don’t be sad laundry, nobody’s doing me either
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you: let’s get this bread
j.d. salinger, an intellectual: let’s catch this rye
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Don’t get me wrong, I’m not whining because of the cold. I’m whining because I have to wear a entire load of laundry to stay warm
Me: inside me there are two wolves
Wife: omg you fatass you ate my wolf too??
rival dad next door thinks he has the best lawn but joke’s on him because i just sold my house to a professional landscaper. CHECKMATE.
How to get out of a car in front of a large crowd of people
Step 1: forget to take your seat belt off
[punches shark on the nose[
shark: that wont stop me
me: are u crying
shark: no its always wet & salty on my face
As per my baby book, I held my head up alone the first day I got home. I may be a lot of things, but I was no soft-necked baby.
TOP 5 USES FOR APPLES:
1. creating sin
2. inventing gravity
3. keeping doctors away
4. shooting off of a child’s head
5. pie
JOHN LENNON: Love is all you need
ME: This guy knows what it’s all about
JOHN LENNON: I am the egg man coo coo ca chu
ME: OK scratch that
You don’t understand how hard it is to play Dungeons & Dragons when your dragon is gay, fabulous and always protesting violence. It’s hard.
Baby, I would run into a burning building from you.
Me: Sometimes I don’t get Jo’s tweets.
Marta: Maybe you’re not high enough?
Me: * climbs tree
The roof of my mouth just healed from a McDonald’s apple pie I had in 1999
Me: *pushes chips forward* I’m all in.
Dealer: Sir, for the last time those are Doritos.
“Opps” is my favorite typo because it suggests the thrill of a secret counterinsurgency.
So after vacuuming with the new Dyson, I’m pleasantly surprised to learn that the carpet upstairs is actually hardwood.
Him: [running out of burning house carrying two house plants and three Led Zeppelin CDs] I DIDN’T KNOW WHICH PLANTS YOU WANTED
Please don’t tell me how bad your life was growing up, we had to manually roll up our cars windows
The American flags on the moon have been bleached white from 44 years of solar radiation. If aliens ever attack, we’ve already surrendered.
Why are we forcing a single payer military plan on everyone? There should be a basic military that covers you, and if you want to bomb another country on top of that, you pay for it yourself. It’s about choice
When pigs fly they will have the most delicious wings.
The moon is in my awful neighbor’s backyard. Girl, he’s the worst. What are you doing?
Surprised my wife with potato chips. She didn’t ask for it, the bag just fell on her when she opened the cabinet.
We had TikTok when I was a kid, except it was called ‘Funniest Home Video Show’, and everyone agreed that 30 minutes once a week was quite enough of it.
Doctors recommend that you drink 8 glasses of water a day and don’t fall out of a helicopter
My laptop: *memory is low*
Me, in my 40’s: “you and me both, buddy”
Hackers in movies think they’re so cool they can get any password in five mins flat. Well so can I. Just that it’s for my own accounts.
I have the same effect at nude beaches that sharks do at family beaches.
dad: when i die, donate my body to science
[later]
me: *handing an urn to the first guy in a labcoat i see* uh here you go