alfred: you have emphysema
batman: how?
alfred: probably from using smoke bombs to get out of scary situations
batman: oh
alfred:
batman: *slowly reaches for smoke bomb*
alfred: sir
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Sorry I can’t make it, I asked my toddler if he wanted help putting on his shoes he answered “yes I don’t”
Senility is the pits. Spent an hour driving around the mall parking lot looking for my car.
5: I love you so much
Me: I love you too, are you done acting naughty?
5: nope
me: [running from the police] you’ll never catch me!
cop: [unplugs the treadmill]
A comma is just a period with a mullet.
I love how Simba acts upset when Mufasa dies as if he didn’t just do a choreographed musical number called “I Just Can’t Wait To Be King”.
[loud fighting downstairs]
Me: What’s this about?
10-year-old: Nothing.
Me: You have to be fighting over something.
10: We really don’t.
To be fair, if I had a friend who could turn water into wine – I’d worship him too.
Me: If you don’t like my rules, maybe you can find a different mom.
4yo: *excitedly* Can we really do that?
Her: How was your day? GET OUT OF THE SHOWER!
Me: Pretty good, yours?
Her: I’ve had better, had worse too. WHY AREN’T YOU OUT YET?
Me: Same, same. LISTEN TO YOUR MOTHER AND GET OUT THE SHOWER! Wanna order pizza tonight?
Don’t be a doormat for people to walk all over. Be a FAKE doormat over a trapdoor that leads to a secret pit of cobras.
People who think that children should be silent don’t realize that a quiet child usually means someone’s getting an unlicensed haircut.
when you’re locked out of the house and you can see your keys sitting right there on the table
I think it’s time when we buy new clothes that we have the option to buy the body they’re being modelled in too.
I’LL SAY WHEN I’VE HAD ENOUGH! KEEP ‘EM COMING, BARTENDER!!
*handing me another espresso*
The term is barista, ma’am.
DAVID BLAINE: *cracks open egg, butterfly flies out*
ME: cmon man
DB: *cracks open 2nd egg, 9 of clubs pops out*
ME: I’m so hungry, David
@MissNaughty1801 @funTweeters I love my boys eldest is getmeabeer youngest is whatthefuck
pet shop clerk: “hey there! what can i getcha”
Jafar: “i want the most malicious parrot you have”
Tell me one musician who was born to ask permission to go online.
I’ll start: Kenny Loggins
@Book_Krazy @funTweeters 🙂
Thank god my neighbors let their dogs out at 5am or I might actually sleep in on a Saturday.
Today, my wife said “Okily Dokily.” I know I said til death do us part, but that was before I realized I married Ned Flanders.
*Michael Cera presses too hard with a crayon and breaks his wrist*
[Later, Snake sees a Lizard]
Snake (to God): DUDE! Seriously??
*God and Lizard high-five, adding insult to injury*
[date]
HER: the last guy i went out with was as boring as a sack of potatoes
ME: [gets up from table] my son is a potato
My current size is ‘I ate two maple bacon donuts yesterday and had to zip my jeans with pliers today’
I’m forbidding the twelve people who regularly star my tweets to ever fly in an airplane together.
This raises questions
lost dog