me: “it hurts when i pee”
doctor: “quit peeing on my desk and ill stop hitting you!”
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My husband just told me the scariest thing that a husband should never tell his wife. “I think I’m getting sick.”
The theory that two stacked beds can’t be converted into two regular beds has been debunked.
you’re upset I bought a waterbed aren’t you
“yes take it back”
I lost the receipt
*sneezes and we bob up and down for 8 minutes in silence*
[googles “camaflage spiders”]
-no results-
phew.
wait…
[googles “camouflage spiders”]
-11,345,453 results-
motherf
Lessons learned from last night: There is no such thing as a goalie in darts
Wife: “Did you lock the backdoor?”
Me: “Yes I did.”
Burglar from downstairs: “No he didn’t!”
Professor X gets a lot of credit as a progressive considering his solution to a race conflict was “give them their own school.”
Five second rule? Pfft. What’s the point of having an immune system if you’re not going to use it?
I can’t stop thinking about what my sister took away from Endgame
Wife: this is how monsters are made
Me: [stuffing the turkey with gummy vitamins] we are going to be healthy af.
Someone threw a chainsaw at me this morning.
Definitely a first.
It was pretty cool.
Date: I’m a vegan.
Me: *spits pieces of chicken into a napkin* Oh yeah? Me too.
It’s so unsettling meeting a baby with a grown man’s name. No I don’t want to hold Keith but can he look over my investment portfolio for me
DON DRAPER: These Simpsons, they’re yellow?
ROGER STERLING: As the day is long.
DON: And the boy?
ROGER: Bart, lotta triangles on his head. (puts out cigarette) Sister, too.
I’ve wasted so much of my life on terrible boyfriends but I’ll never regret the time I’ve spent training my fruit bat Bing to remove all the raisins from my trail mix.
My neighbour got drunk and left a case of beer on his front porch last night.
In other news, I just got a free case of beer.
[Ancient Greek Dandruff Shampoo Commercial]
MEDUSA: *looking super embarrassed, trying to casually brush a bunch of shed snake skins off her shoulders*
My plans for world domination will be complete as soon as I can work out how to hide a coffee machine in my bra
I just want there to be food without me having to cook or clean or pay. Is that really too much to ask?
A comb is the ultimate parting gift.
Me, anytime I see someone with a dog in a stroller:
what’s wrong with your baby
Presidential election season; that special time every four years when we find out who we just really shouldn’t be friends with anymore.
if the groundhog comes out without a mask its 6 more months of quarantine
“if you could dinner with any scientist, alive or dead, which one would it be?”
“schrodinger”
Not sure of the *exact* quality that denotes ‘blood-curdling’ in the context of a scream, but the sound that erupted from me earlier when the frog my cat ‘killed’ suddenly leaped mid-scoop, prrrrrrobably counts.
In other news, nothing beats fresh underwear!
Good news, you survived the horrific car crash. Sadly we couldn’t find the other guy’s arms but we managed to reattach all four of yours
World: What’s the date?
America: Well first and most importantly it’s June
Before I die, I’m going to arrange for a friend to take my phone, and after the funeral, text everybody to say “thanks for coming” and other assorted messages of appreciation.
I have no sympathy for people who leave their car doors unlocked then complain when they find me sleeping in the backseat.
Shoutout to my old boss who laid me off on a videoless zoom call during the pandemic AFTER making me work 70+ hour weeks at a 30% pandemic pay cut for over a year. You just saw me walk into corporate of my fancy new job & I waved my badge at you. Your jaw dropped.
Pick it up.