Internet Explorer: so about last night
Me: Oh, i used you for flash.
IE: Are we back together, am i your default?
Me: don’t make this weird
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These 3D printers are insane!
[staff meeting]
“Ya so heads up, someone grabbed my lunch from the fridge, and there’s a 420% chance you shouldn’t eat the brownie inside”
“People keep accidentally asking me to purchase meat for them”
“By mistake?”
“Not you as well”.
Assert dominance by putting your hair in your cats food.
the enemy of my enemy is my enemy in law
I follow anyone who has “18+” in their bio.
I’m waiting for them to post the second half of the math problem.
7yo niece, pointing at my belly: that’s your proof of baby.
Well, I WAS having a nice day.
all my demons came for free. these must be organic.
Me scrolling Twitter: ok that’s enough
My brain: what if the next tweet is The One
Hey, baby. I painted a fake tunnel on the side of a mountain just for you
My new favorite headline
i’d give up everything to be a small anthropomorphic woodland animal wearing victorian clothes living in a little house in a meadow and my neighbour is a goose wearing a bonnet and my only worry is will my apple pie be ready for when mrs owl comes visit me for tea time
I picked up one of my son’s school masks and it had a horrific red mess inside and before I could even put words to my fears he said “I dropped a meatball in it.”
Sometimes I think I am pretty smart and then I try to breathe my own saliva.
If you hide 48 eggs and tell your kids there are 50 you can get a little nap in.
Me [all day]: tired
Me [1 AM & can’t sleep]: why is a baby ocelot called a kitten & not an ocelittle?
($800 for an iphone)
oh no problem here you go
(99 cents for an app)
HA I DONT THINK SO PAL MONEY DOESNT GROW ON TREES YA KNOW
Amazon problems:
1920: pirahna
1990: losing rainforest
2017: wrong size
Elephant Mum: Never forget where you came from.
Elephant Son: Mum, I’m an elephant; I’m hardly going to forget a thing like that.
Elephant Mum: It’s an expression.
Elephant Son: What is?
Things my dating coach and I are working on:
– holding doors open for the ladies
– no karate at the table
– my cursive
– incense sticks are not currency
– drinking milk with only one hand
– not doing jazz hands every time I toot
Video games should be banned. My son just threw a turtle shell at a walking mushroom then disappeared down a green tube. Someone call 911.
me: are you cool?
my armpit: good to go
me: you sure? not itchy?
my armpit: oh come on, I’m fine
me: promise me
my armpit: dude I promise
me:
my armpit:
me: ok *puts on long sleeve shirt, coat, scarf, and starts driving*
my armpit: you’re not gonna believe this
Congrats to #LeonardoDiCaprio on his first Best Actor Oscar.
You can stop sacrificing goats now.
seems like H&M is expecting a rush on Victorian funerals
“IT BURNS!”
-My 2 year-old, drinking room temperature water.
Life before kids: Owns 1 pair of scissors and knows exactly where they are.
Life after kids: Owns 16 pairs of scissors and has a better chance of seeing God than finding them.
*Date with a boy I dated when we went to kindergarden*
*puts two big bowls of worms and mudwater on the table*
Him-YUCK!!!
Me-You’ve changed
The wife: I’m running away
Me: no you’re not
The wife: give me one good reason
Me: you hate running
Mispronouncing words is kind of my forty
11yo said he can’t wait to grow up so he won’t have to do chores anymore. I had forgotten how cathartic it is to laugh until you cry.