Every time I talk about milk, I clarify “not breast milk.” It’s unnecessary and it makes people uncomfortable.
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[Being buried alive]
Guess I’m really living on…
*I knock-knock on coffin lid*
…burrowed time
Gravediggers: this is why
*flashes smile*
*smile calls police*
Saw a fess on here how someone randomly texted their wife saying “I love you” and it saved their marriage. Tried it and now my wife thinks I am having an affair as it’s out of character
yes 911 i need to report a kidnapping. lol yeah there’s a baby goat asleep in my lap. no dont send cops you’ll wake him up
I don’t understand why my AirPods aren’t working right I’ve only sent them through the laundry twice.
“One should never name drop”
The Queen told me that
start pet casino? explore legality
shit this isn’t my notes app
My 8yo just reasoned that I should clean up the mess from her craft project because I was the one who suggested she do the craft project.
Laziness level: expert.
I forgot the term “gait” so I said the horse had a nice swagger.
“What about this? What about this? And this?”–me, taunting museum curator MC Hammer.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
I’m a mom; hear me repeat myself.
Doing some research on the Fresh Prince of Belair. Does anybody know where he was born and raised and where he spent most of his days?
“I like to think I trained the toilet. It didn’t teach me anything”
Just so you know, you will be asked to leave the funeral if you do a drum solo on the coffin…no matter how epic it is
I typo texted my wife asking if she’d like to “celibate” our anniversary, and she replied “that sounds great” and now I’m not sure what to think.
I just volunteered to take 7 teens on a fishing trip. Who am I, and what does one fish for, besides compliments?
“Sorry about this, but I ran out of allergy medicine and it’s spring,” I say to the frightened pharmacy clerk through my hazmat suit.
holding an old, ratty phone charger cable at just the right angle so that the phone charges is this generation’s rabbit ear antennas for a TV
TIP: If a friend ever says they have a chocolate lab, do not get your hopes up when you are going to their house because they are just talking about a dog
-So many red dots everywhere on the fields this morning, that I haven’t seen before, I wonder what..
-Oh, nooo! Alien invasion!
-..flower they were
7 barges into bathroom while I’m showering, laughs & says “I saw your peanut.”
He either mispronounced a word or made a hurtful observation.
I really hate to get religious on here, but have you seen the thigh gap on Jesus. DAYUM!
I’m no heart surgeon but I have the most steady hand when scrolling through an ex’s Facebook page.
A lot of people hate when I speak Spanish around them, I don’t blame them because most times I’m talking about them.
Doctor: “You have a hip injury.”
Me: “I am very trendy.”
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
After a stressful day of holiday shopping, I like to soak away my cares in a relaxing bath.
Mall Security: Ma’am, get out of the fountain.
me: no, you can’t have ice cream for dinner
son: why not???
me: because
son: because you ate it all for lunch again?
me:
son:
me: if you don’t tell mom I’ll give you a popsicle for breakfast
Please don’t feed the Kardashians.
cat 911: hello
cat: i need to report a murder
cat 911: kevin, is this you again
cat: yes
cat 911: what did we tell you kevin
cat: [long pause] that my food bowl being 1/3 empty is not a murder