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Ladies and gentlemen, cats…😑
Men are from Mars, women are from a planet that probably smells nicer than Mars.
Not to brag but I read the instructions before I did something today. I didn’t follow them, but still.
waiter: bread for the table?
me: ok fair swap (walks away with basket of bread)
Annie: I feel weird
Michael Jackson: I have the best idea for a song
Me: *delicately inserting plastic tassels to the ends of my handlebars*
Motorcycle Instructor, shaking his head: only if you brought enough for the whole class
As a woman I personally am looking forward to aging. I seriously cannot wait to use my senior discount at the diner, dye my white hair the same pink as Frenchie from Grease, & put tennis balls on my walker. I’m just gonna be so good at being old.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
[Don’t let hot barrista know I’m a goose]
“Can I get you a coffee?”
Just a honk chonklate for me
“A what?”
CHOCOLATE, a hot chocolate plz.
A group of women all bought their husbands the same shirt and didn’t tell them…🤣
If you ever want a bad date to end just say “you remind me of my mother.” If you REALLY want to sell it leave out the “my”
I told my 2-year-old to find her shoes
She cupped her hands & yelled “Shoes, where are you?”
I’d help her, but I want to see if this works
“so i was reading an article the other day” is code for “i saw this tiktok while i was sitting on the toilet”
me: wanna hang out?
southern girl: well, dip me in honey butter, roll me around in mississippi sand and saddle a junebug to savannah
me:
every time you use task manager to shut down an application your computer should play a gunshot sound effect and a haunting scream that’s somehow different every time.
This hospital has everything
Much like a fairy tale princess I will sit here and wither away until some man somewhere is brave enough to bring me soup.
I would be morbidly obese if food for thought was an actual thing.
The problem with Netflix recommendations is they assume I “liked” a show just because I watched 13 hours of it
Wanted: Human left leg, to finish the monster I’m making in my basement. Will pay handsomely. No weirdo’s.
Therapist: why can’t you introduce your two groups of friends to each other?
Me: [told one group my name was the space cowboy and the other it was the gangster of love] I just can’t ok
Waiter: would you like to hear our lunch specials?
Me: uh no. I’d like to eat them–
Waiter, choking me out: I. have. had. enough.
me, gasping: ᴵ. ᴴᵃᵛᵉⁿ’ᵗ. ᴴᵃᵈ. ᴬⁿʸ.
*A tiny bee’s eyes widen while putting on his tuxedo for his big day* “did you say Honeymoon”
Guess who taught himself how to open the rice cooker and woke me up by screaming in between mouthfuls of hot rice
*3:27 am. batman rubs his eyes as he slowly walks up & switches off the giant spotlight that’s creating the bat signal in the sky. he turns to the crowd*
what do you guys want now?
why stack your tupperware when you can chunk it into the cabinet and close the door before it falls out.
Me: *eating 3rd Twix of the day*
Her: You eat too much candy, you’re going to make me a widow
Me: *orders 10 truckloads & cancels all plans*
Me: I’m heading out to escort the canine on a jaunty trek about the neighborhood.
My husband: Why don’t you just say you’re going to walk the dog?
Dog: *goes absolutely nuts*
GIRL: There are these two black holes that collided & released more energy than a trillion stars
ME: Damn that sucks. I would never do that
BOSS: due to the virus we need everybody to work from home
ME: please, i have a family