Sigmund Freud: I fell over
Me: A Freudian slip?
Sigmund Freud: Not funny – I stepped on glass
Me: Is it a bit of a pane?
Sigmund Freud: You’re enjoying my misfortune
Me: Yes, it’s shard-in-Freud
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I’m not an expert but still waiting for the day that I will actually use x²+y+8[(x+2y² = a-z]+2x³+(-2z = 2.4)+10y-5Z³ = k= 9 in real life.
Me: *shows up to a gala in my pajamas*
Host: That’s not what I meant by evening wear.
Fishing for compliments like “I’m a mess in this photo that I took all morning to get the right angle and filter and after 50 selfies this is me”.
*on the phone with my wife*
yes, i have the car, we’re driving around right now. who’s with me? well, a bunch of raccoons. yes, the same ones that got me kicked out of burger king
Me to alien:
I, too, try to live among people undetected
Me: smells good, what’s cooking?
Wife: bacon
Me: *rolls eyes* wHat’s BaKiNg
Taliband
Strangely, this bacon candle doesn’t even taste like bacon.
Hell hath no fury like a toddler getting his nose wiped
Interviewer: where do you see yourself in 5 years
Me: punching a goose in its mouth
Interviewer: you know actually we’ve already filled the position
Me: *clenches fist* was it a goose
The Revenant bear attack scene only it’s me trying to get out of volunteering at my kid’s school.
She: But WHY are you breaking up with me? Please tell me honestly.
He (sigh): Ok It’s…your “signature sex move”
She: Judgmental Corpse?
’m intermittent fasting so i have to finish this carrot cake really quick before 5 pm.
Post natal depression is a serious condition. I’m 38 years old and my mum still bursts into tears every time she sees me.
kids today are missing out of the pre-streaming era, where your childhood was at least partially defined by some semi-obscure movie your family just happened to own on tape and you watched several dozen times
Your email signature says “best regards” mine says “alrighty then” we are not the same.
[drive thru window]
[apologize to homeowners]
my biggest flaw is saying “don’t worry i’m gucci” when in fact i am t.j maxx
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
I’m just a boy, standing in front of the toilet paper aisle, trying to decide whether I want to wipe with a pillow, a cloud, or a kitten.
Confuse your least favorite person at work by moving in slow motion when they’re the only person watching you
*looks left*
*looks right*
*tosses tree branch over neighbor’s fence*
me: [a pilgrim seeing something new] imma put a buckle on that
I cried when my dentist told me I needed two implants and a crown because I can finally realize my dream of being a sexy princess.
My kids may not be the most polite or well behaved, but they’re also not the most helpful
*yells up to treehouse*
me: what are you girls doin?
them: *yells back* chattin and braidin!
me: *climbing up* WAIT ARE THOSE BOY’S NAMES, I DON’T KNOW ANYMORE
Marriage has its pros and cons: on one hand, you get to wear a cool ring, but on the other hand, you don’t.
Dear White People,
Stop making videos of yourselves singing songs from ‘Frozen’!
When they ask if you got a minute and then you sit and watch the typing bubbles for 15 min.
The teenage boy cashier just told my wife that her tampon coupon is expired…and all of Target went silent.