my friend, ted: i hear you’re pretty competitive
me: yeah i guess so
my enemy, ted: want to play a game
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It doesn’t make sense that there are so many poems about love, but there are no poems about hot, buttery mashed potatoes.
Me: I’ll call you when I get home so you know I’m safe
Bus driver: I really don’t care
Butterfly courtship ritual:
Male: *does mating dance*
Lady: Fluttery will get you nowhere
I had this nightmare that Salma Hayek and Kevin Hart were trying to tell me something at the same time and expected me to understand it
Rejected Olympic Events:
Javelin Catch
Jello Shotput
Border Fencing
Cardboard Boxing
Menstrual Cycling
Salad Tossing
Wrestling Demons
oh u like me? name 5 meds i take
CNN: President Obama Rescues a Child From a Burning Home
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working Firefighters
men’s occupations according to their shower products: hunter, lumberjack, mechanic, lumberjack again
women’s occupations according to shower products: goddess, mermaid, moon spirit, butterfly,
Genie: Be careful what you wish fo…
Me: God, I wish you’d just shut up already!
Genie:
Me:
Genie:
Me: Shit.
me, every single month: why do i feel like shit. why am i so bloated. why am i so upset. i have never felt like this before in my life
My math teacher thought it would be fun to use food as props to demonstrate math equations.
Sadly, I got sausages.
I can’t think of a wurst problem!
#HatDadJoke #IWroteThisStinker
if u watch thamksgiving backwards its about a angry family yeling at each other then the uncle says something racist and everyone calms down
Opened the back door and a tiny lizard fell from the sky. It’s either a sign, or the smallest plague ever.
ACCOUNTANT: you have a lot of outstanding debt
ME: thanks i worked really hard on it
Turtleneck pro: if you wear one while you’re eating you can’t get crumbs in your bra.
Turtleneck con: see above.
Nothing inspires me more to get up every morning than my full bladder.
“Captain, I do believe a larger vessel might be in order.”
–Jaws, dubbed for England
She said she loved my personality, but I was drunk and can’t remember which one I was rocking.
Whose idea was it to do this in 2020?? Archaeologists just opened a mummy tomb that’s been sealed for 2,500 years
Me: The worst thing about quarantine is that I’m running low on hot sauce.
BFF: Why you lying?
When accused by a woman a man’s first instinct is to deny. We’re not lying, we’re just buying time to remember what you’re talking about…
The internet was a mistake. Civilization was a mistake. Evolving was a mistake. We could be sitting in trees eating delicious bananas right now, but instead we’re here getting Very Angry Online.
[first day of creation]
GOD: *stuck in traffic* oh no I’m not gonna make the light
I wonder if Captain America ever borrows money from Captain China.
Refused to mow my grass because I’m lazy and it got so high that my neighbor did it because he is trying to sell his house and needs the neighborhood to look good for potential buyers so don’t tell me your problems won’t go away if you ignore them
[High school reunion]
Classmate: I’ve been out building schools in Africa
Me: I got banned from the zoo for gluing sideburns onto a dolphin
Life is like a box of condoms. If you don’t use one, you never know what you’re goin get.
Why do people say its not you… it’s me in a breakup? Yeah it’s YOU, you’re an idiot! I’m amazing… ask your brother!
‘What’s that smell?’
‘I think a squirrel died in the walls.’
‘This is your car’
Each day is a gift.
Except for Mondays. Mondays are more of a white elephant.