I love rotting in bed. My vision board is just a picture of the grandparents in Willy Wonka
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I don’t understand what someone gets out of arguing with a complete stranger.
Fight with your family like the rest of us.
I started to go to yoga today and then I remembered that I could lie on the floor in my own house without driving anywhere.
this makes me so uncomfortable
*Scrooge McDuck being put in handcuffs*
SM: Unhand me! What is the meaning of all this?!
Cop: Sir, you own half of Wall St. and are a duck
My parents: “the virus cannot survive in hot places so you need to periodically gargle boiling water and run a hairdryer at your throat”
Me: “…how did you raise me without killing me”
Objection your honor! He’s badgering the witness lmao
*Courtroom erupts in laughter*
Badger: Ok seriously I’m a lawyer and deserve respect
I retweeted my boss to let her know that I know she’s tweeting during the meeting.
I’m not usually a fan of non-fiction, but this Cheesecake Factory menu is a real page turner.
I’ve been using a lot of moisturizer. I’m at aloe point in my life.
DATING PROFILE: I’m looking for a partner in crime
FIRST DATE: Okay, I need you to kill the mayor
HER: my dad hates puns but loves food
ME: got it
HER: dad, this my date
ME: hey papaya yam glad to meat u
HIM: *shakes then crushes my hand*
*a movie that’s 100% studio logo animations but the audience doesn’t even notice until 30 minutes in*
My hometown is so charming. Everyone’s got the spirit animal of gum stuck under the diner table
I should be able to preheat my bed like an oven
ikea instructions make no sense, why would they only give me one allen wrench to cook all these meatballs
My fear of ascending to the top of shopping malls is escalating.
BF overheard me listening to the “Thank U, Next” video and asked “Is she saying ‘bacon, eggs’?” so that is how I will be singing this song from now on, thank you.
me: [walks into a darkened room of people holding hands around a table] what are you guys doing
psychic: *whispers* seance
me: ance
i came on this app to make friends and chew bubblegum… and im all out of gum
Fact: A childless person coined the phrase “Sleep like a baby.”
Me: Sorry I’m late, I was trying to jump my wife’s car for like half an hour.
Boss: Need a new battery?
Me: No, I just think I need better shoes.
having a drunk argument with someone over whether a sexy abraham lincoln costume would be hotter than a sexy teddy roosevelt and somehow we’re both losing
I’m not lazy, I’m an inactivist.
Deadpool was Green Lantern
Batman was Daredevil
Captain America was Human Torch
And we’re just gonna walk around like EVERYTHING is OK???
Body: I’m sooooooo tired
Brain: WHAT IF DINOSAURS HAD ASSAULT RIFLES
One day you’re bad to the bone and before you know it you’re tired to the bone
Note to self: I am a note
I peed in the ocean yesterday and the fish are still drunk today.
There’s a fine line between myth and reality and booze blurs it nicely.
Name fifty reasons you think I’m too demanding.