My family is missing that gene that tells you when trash cans are full.
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How to flirt:
1. Giggle
2. Apply lip gloss
3. Look down coyly
4. Realize you applied concealer
5. Fall off barstool
Everyone says this ChatGPT is as smart as a person, but I won’t be inpressed until I know which person.
I miss the days when my 2yo didn’t have opinions and I could dress him in whatever I wanted.
*Paranormal Factivity*
[I walk into my bathroom]
“OH MY GOD”
[‘WHALES ARE ACTUALLY MAMMALS’ is written in blood on the mirror]
GROOT: I am Groot.
TEACHER: I don’t know, can you?
GROOT: *Sigh* I am Groot.
TEACHER: Yes, you may.
“Necessity is the mother of invention” okay I’m hooked, who’s the dad, is he still in the picture are you guys still together
My wife said that I set up the baby monitor wrong. Apparently it’s not supposed to be duct-taped to the baby’s ankle.
doctor: I’m afraid it’s bad news
me: omg, me too
If you could have dinner with any person, living or dead what Arby’s would you go to?
Just wrote “58008” on my calculator app and when I turned it upside-down, it auto-orientated back to the right way up.
I hate the future.
Rt to bother an English speaker
Me: you need to do your homework
9: my teacher knows all the answers, why doesn’t she just do it herself
I just got a robot vacuum. I think I’m going to put a bag of goldfish on top and let it take care of my daughter from now on
I made a mistake. Then I ate that mistake and made more. I made so many mistakes that I had leftovers. Soon, a freezer full of mistakes. You’ve stopped making mistakes? Here, have some of mine. I’ve got plenty.
I wonder how many mini Reese’s cups I can fit in each cheek before my facial recognition stops working?
“There will be snacks.” – someone successfully convincing me to do anything
[crime scene]
Boss: What do you think happened here?Me: The killer obviously rearranged the bodies to fit inside these chalk shapes
Boss: We drew those
Me: Another good theory
Trump, 2 years into his presidency: “What do you mean we can’t just file for bankruptcy?”
[leaving a party]
HOST (holding 2 identical coats): which is urs
ME: does 1 have a corn dog in its pocket
H: ya
M (suspiciously): mine had 2
[dog social media]
Post: *picture of a cat falling out of a tree* caption – “woof, woof, woof.”
Dog reading: hahahahahaha. *retwoofs*
You said I could have my way with you. If you didn’t want me to experiment with gas and fire, you should’ve been more specific.
Can someone please invent pantyhose that don’t rip?
I think everyone in this bank just saw my face.
Superman and Batman probably had a lot of “capes in the toilet water” accidents when they went to take a dump.
me: it kind of feels like you’re judging me right now
judge: it’s called “sentencing”
Probably the worst thing about pyramid schemes is how they make you advertise to all your friends and family that you are part of a pyramid scheme.
Realize this:
I remember when people had the common decency to not look at you while you’re staring at them.
Wife: ugh I feel fat
Me: please take your hands off me
HER: I’m leaving!
ME: Is it because I always put Doritos in your shoes?
*she just turns & walks away*
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
(crunch)
It’s a good thing I’m not a bird. They’d be telling me I needed to fly south and I’d be like look guys, I only do right or left.