it was a valiant fight
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Nurse: “Have you had any unexplained weight gain this past year?”
Me: “No, there are explanations.”
Coworker: Is this anyone’s old food smelling up the fridge?
Me, knowing it’s mine: Ha ha no clue.
Don’t mess with grandma when her bodyguard is near.
My 3yo just had the biggest meltdown and at one point he yelled “I’m going to sneak out of my room in the middle of the night and barricade the kitchen and so nobody in the family can eat food ever again” and I just don’t know. No parenting book could have prepared me for him.
me: you can’t throw rocks at your teammates when you’re playing outfield
6 year old: I read the rules, it doesn’t say that
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.
If breaking a mirror brings 7 years of bad luck, does breaking a lightbulb bring 7 years of bad ideas?
Bought a kazoo to stick in my husband’s mouth when he snores so he can wake himself up in the most annoying way possible
(McDonald’s bathroom)
*pulls away from kissing*
You’re better than my mirror at home
Don’t even talk to me until I’ve had my coffee.
*never drinks coffee again*
This is nice.
If you spend “up to $9000” on my funeral it better be on some kind of mechanism that makes me sit up in the casket when people walk by.
Wow, this is a really nice sturdy box, I should keep it in the attic for the next 20 years.
[First day as a hacker]
Boss: what’s taking so long?
Me: adobe needs updating
Midnight shift 6 of 8: I punched a mirror because it was dark and I thought my reflection was an intruder, I wait at stop signs for them to turn green and I tried to unlock the fridge with my car keys. This is life now.
I’m jealous of turtles, they can go home whenever they want.
When I die, just throw the laundry in my grave with me. I want to die exactly as I lived.
My daughter will send a bunch of 2 to 3 word texts in a row so my phone dings like there’s an angry customer at the front desk.
[the clock strikes half past two]
dentist: my time has come
[job interview]
“Tell me about yourself”
*flashback to when I used hand towels mom said are specifically for guests*
I’m a risk taker
Fact: bears do defecate in the woods, but sometimes light candles to help with the smell and that’s what causes forest fires.
WebMD on April Fools: You’re fine
At the self checkout I make small talk with myself and I wish I would just shut up
I plan the silliest murders in my dreams because all I have to do to get away with it is wake up.
So far my favorite part about being pregnant is telling people I’m not pregnant when they ask when I’m due.
Trimmed my eyebrows too short. Now every time I catch someone staring, I sternly say “my eyes are down here.”
Take me with you! I shout to every airplane that flies over my house.
Finally getting around to calling all those kids that wrote in my middle school yearbook, “We should hang out this summer.”
My daughter should be getting her mid quarter grades soon. I’m excited to see how I’m doing in algebra.
my husband was trying to talk about Shrek but he couldn’t remember Shrek’s name (Shrek) so he called him “summertime grinch”
My dad: See, when you said you’d met a “special someone” we thought…
Me: Go on.
My dad:
Me: [taking hold of the penguin’s flipper] GO ON.