Scientists now believe that approx 2% of Earth’s water at any given time is found on Tupperware containers being removed from the dishwasher
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all ramen noodles come from one impossibly long noodle of disputed origins. no one knows how much is left or what will happen when it’s gone
Lawyer: Just be confident in there and they’ll believe you
Me: Got it[Later]
Judge: Did you kill him?
Me *confidently* yes
Second orthodontist consult.
10: I hope I can still eat fried chicken at Popeye’s and drink Dr Pepper and chew taffy.
Ortho:
Me, under my breath: You’ve never even been to Popeye’s. You don’t drink soda!…
10, whispering: Best to take this up with Dad.
Me: it’s better to give than to receive.
Daughter: what about my enemies?
Me: d-do you have any enemies?
Daughter: not anymore.
Me: what does that mean?
Daughter:
Me: you’re only two! what does that mean?
My cousin Clevis is afraid of nudists. He’s the only person I know who bought a T-shirt cannon for self-defense.
Black rotten roses & run over kittens
Teeth falling out & a test is unwritten
Naked in public becoming a meme
Theseareafewofmyterribledreams
[on phone with friend]
Friend: Did you just throw up?
Me: No, that’s the sound I make when going from standing to sitting now.
What if all those coins you keep finding in your couch is rent money from the spiders living in your house?
*man on tv sweeps items off desk and passionately embraces woman*
Me: How romantic.
*husband passionately throws folded laundry off bed*
Me: WTF
I know this is the kind of thing everyone avoids talking about, but I’m going to say it.
I think I’m smarter than most, if not all, babies.
Are you Chinese? Well, how about you?”
– Chinese Checkers
I hope I don’t ever have to provide an alibi because I’ll tell the truth but it will sound unbelievable, like: “At 4pm on Thursday? Oh that’s when I was posting a photo of an armadillo.”
Security: Animals aren’t allowed in this art gallery, sir.
Me: It’s my guide dog.
Dog: Picasso, born 25/10/1881, was a Spanish painter…
Dear water parks, what stops you from building an escalator to the swim slide?
birth certificates really the most pointless thing, why i gotta prove to you i was born bro i’m right here
My neighbour called out “cheer up” today so I asked if he was moving house
[My son watching a film set in Victorian England]: It’s like they are speaking cursive.
My father was so strict that when he raised his voice, even the neighbors brushed their teeth and went to bed.
Me: release the kraken!
Friend: what’s a kraken?
Me: Not much what’s a kraken with you? lol. no but seriously a lot of people are going to die.
Emotions? No thanks. I’m trying to cut down.
as a child i thought i’d have to deal with the bermuda triangle a lot more than i have in my adult life
I’m just a girl, standing in front of a toddler, asking her to eat her own damn breakfast instead of mine
I don’t understand why people get excited about carbon dating.
But then perhaps I just haven’t met the right pencil.
Yes, I’m at the gym, but I also have donut crumbs on my shirt because BALANCE.
There should be shopping carts available in the middle of the grocery store for people like me who thought they’ll be able to carry their stuff but eventually have to admit that they can’t.
Wait for it
Anyone that breaks up with me gets followed around by a gang of feral raccoons with tiny signs that say “Really?” and “Seriously dude?” for at least, a month.
The amount of time you spend cleaning your house before a friend comes over is inversely proportional to the quality of that friendship.
me: I need to learn about clams
librarian: you can find them under C
me: I need to learn more than that
Drove past two First Baptist churches.
One of them is lying.