TV shows and movies have given us the impression that working in the FBI is exciting, but it actually involves carrying a bunch of boxes out of a house. It’s like having to help someone move every day.
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[colonizing Mars]
M:a:r:s
It’s like the girl sitting in front of me on this bus doesn’t want me to braid her hair.
My son: Did you hear about the guy who got injured playing peek-a-boo?
Me: No
Son: he’s in the ICU
Had day surgery – came out with about fifteen less followers than when I went in with.
So apparently I’m offensive even when unconscious.
Him: dude I love clubs, they’re great for picking up chicks
Me *nodding thoughtfully* girls love sandwiches
[me as a mechanic]
*wiping hands with a greasy rag* Yep, it’s haunted.
Customer: It’s-
Me: Haunted.
*cries over spilt milk*
*cries under spilt milk*
*cries adjacent to spilt milk*
*cries immediately to the left of spilt milk*
*cries diagona
[After Big Jewel Heist]
“We did it! We got away! Everything went to plan”
ME(holding my grappling hook I didn’t get to use): Yea it was ok
security at the airport getting more straightforward
How awkward would it have been for coach if he put in Air Bud and they lost.
[man who won the lottery]: here’s why i think buying lottery tickets is the future of finance 👇🧵
Sometimes you’re Godzilla, sometimes you’re Tokyo
Some kids pranked a school board meeting on some Bart Simpson shit and I am crying!! 😭😭😭😭
Them: Pleasure to meet you.
Me: Give it time.
Teens be like, “I wanted to do that until you asked me to”.
Show me a good ab workout and I’ll show you what looks like an alligator stuck on its back.
I took one of those DNA tests and found out I am 30% mashed potatoes.
HELLO, FIRST TIME CALLER, LONG TIME LISTENER, OCCASIONAL MURDERER.
One day my dad was outside watching a thunder and lightning storm and my mom brought him a metal chair to sit in.
A love story
ME: “Nemo” is Latin for “no one,” so in essence he is searching for nothing, a spectre. His voyage crosses many planes, into the depths of the underworld, led by a fool who speaks riddles. He is King Lear lost in the storm, but also Dante traversing Hell
MY CHILDREN: We hate you
Please God, let the weather be nice for my picnic. There are 7 billion people on this planet. Many starving. Please hear my picnic prayer.
Sorry, I’m in a hurry, lets talk while we walk… You go that way.
Marriage counselor: ok, let’s reflect on the last week’s session
Dracula: *snickering* I can’t reflect on anything
Dracula’s wife: are you even going to try and take this seriously?
All the smart people at the office are worried about being replaced by A.I., but not me. I’m safe until they invent Artificial Stupidity.
Me: you’re a coward
Tattooist: it’s just not possible to tattoo your whole body “denim”
TOP STORY: Do websites create articles with lists and arbitrary numbers to get you to click through? Here are 15 examples you wont believe
I gotta take better care of myself. Today at the park a guy asked me if I would pretend to be his son from the future to scare him into eating right.
Takes approximately 7.5 seconds for #Adele to make you mourn a relationship that you weren’t even in.
WIFE: why do we even need a gun in the house
ME: *fires off 8 rounds just to kill a spider* that’s why