It’s kinda fucked up that when a horse wins a race the person who gets all the money is the guy that was just sitting the whole time. The prize shouldn’t be $10,000 it should be like five hundred apples.
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[stunned, eyes lock, a smile exchanged, and I knew it was kismet]
*hands cash to lady
Ma’am my baby isn’t for sale.
I SAID I’LL TAKE TWO!!
“Is white wine all you have?”
No, I can do any
*swirling hand sanitizer around in a glass like a sommelier* what year is this?
I’ve decided to become one of those super relatable twitter accounts. Folks, dontcha just hate it when you drop cob of corn and it rolls out your open front door and people are calling you all day going “I saw your corn”
Thoughts
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
I’m trying to beat the world record for most cat paintings done in one night. The current record holder is George W. Bush, who did 911.
I already tried new things thanks.
ME: i would like to open a checking account
BANKER: would you like a savings account too?
ME: no
BANKER: okay, just checking
Airport security asked me if I’ve seen anything unusual…I just paid $18 for a coke & a ham sandwich…Let’s start with that.
Ordered new coats for my kids and for convenience I had them shipped directly to their school’s lost and found section
Someone asked me what the sound of one hand clapping was so I slapped his face.
[Million dollar idea] : Spaghetti Sauce colored Tupperware.
There is a drunk woman on the tube throwing After Eights at everyone and, in the most British way possible, everyone is pretending they aren’t being hit on the head by tiny chocolatey squares (which hurts by the way) and not looking at anyone else in the eye.
Wife: You’re lost.
Me: No. This is exactly where we are suppose to park.
Aliens: “Take us to your leader.”
Me: “I would wait.”
Sure stepping on a Lego is painful, but have you ever twisted your ankle tripping over a cold and shamed Natalie Imbruglia lying naked on the floor?
Me: You never told me you were on the debate team in college..
Her: Yes I did.
Me: No you didn’t.
Her: Yes I did.
Me: Oh you’re good!
“Suicide Squad” looks like a bunch of people Avril Lavigne hangs out with.
Sign in the window of one of our local bookshops!
Saw someone simultaneously walking while writing on a pad of paper.
I yelled at them to text and drive like a normal person.
Cleaning out my fireplace before the chimney sweep comes feels like I’m flossing on the way to the dentist.
HER: it’s over between us
ME: is it because of all my embroidery puns?
HER: I thought you would stop
ME: sew it seamed
What’s the normal amount of pall bearers for a hamster’s funeral?
grandma: you kids are always on your silly phones
me: *looking at her on the floor with a broken hip* listen do you want me to call 911 or not
I got pulled over for the first time in my life today.
I thought: what would Twitter tell me to do?
I decided against all those options and took the ticket.
the funniest possible response to someone saying they were a gifted kid is to be like “really?”
I don’t care what the FBI says, America’s most wanted still sounds like an honor.
In third grade a boy gave me a valentine that said “You’re the Obi Wan for me” and that’s the highlight of my entire dating experience.
I asked my 5-year-old what she was on because she was having such a good time wiggling and being weird. She looked at me like she finally met the dumbest person in the world, “the couch.”