I hope my childhood BFF forgot that silly pact we made at five to kill each other if we hadn’t become ponies by 2015.
She was really dark.
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CURRENT MOOD: righteously angry, but there’s a cat on my lap
If you watch Home Alone backwards it’s a loving story about an 8 year old boy that heals two men that were savagely beaten
I’ve started thinking in CNN. ‘Am I going to have a cup of coffee? Looking at historical trends, you would say yes. But! I am very comfortable. Maybe someone else will get me one. Maybe I’ll fall asleep. We’ll know more an hour from now. Back to you, Wolf.’
[Art Museum]
Date: I like a man who makes things exciting, but I also like to be the center of attention.
Me: *Thinking quickly* SECURITY! SHE’S GONNA STEAL THIS PAINTING
If you feel hopeless about the world and your place in it, I can recommend something. Turn off all electronic devices, close your eyes, and sit still for 5 minutes. It won’t help, but now you’re 5 minutes closer to being dead and not having to worry about it.
[home schooling, day 1]
Me: I know this is hard.
12:
Me: I know it’s frustrating.
12:
Me: But we’ll get through it.
12:
Me: Now explain this math to me just once more, I’m very close to understanding it.
I walk around in public saying “wait for me guys” so everyone thinks I have friends.
She who has black counters shalt not purchase black cell phones
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
Just accidentally spilled my cat’s food all over the floor and his reaction was…. a lot 😂
A lonely rooster sees neon sign flashing HOT CHICKEN STRIPS, walks into Popeyes and cringes in horror as he drops his dollar bills
I packed 5 oranges in 5 different lunches today and all five oranges came back home. Apparently, I send fruit on field trips.
The final exam for police service dogs to remain calm in front of a cat, Germany, 1987.
I like how “two” is spelled a little strangely so you’re prepared early on for how insane “eight” is going to be.
*brings bucket of fried chicken in meeting*
*meeting starts*
*I eat each piece, crunching, licking my fingers*
*touches all the paper work*
When a man gets married he has a moral obligation to scare his wife when he sneezes.
Today. I. Realized. That. Typing. Like. This. Doesn’t. Make. Your. Point. Stronger. It. Makes. You. Look. Like. Your. Computer. Has. Asthma
Me: ‘I need to lose some weight.’
Fries: ‘Let’s do it together.’
I was pretty happy getting a lot of honks for my “Honk, if you love Jesus” bumper sticker but I can’t help wondering if it’s because of that red light I sat through three times now.
When a comedian knocks someone up, is it called kidding?
wow just finished my high intensity daily workout (taking all the cups from my room back down to the kitchen) and i’m feeling that burn. no excuses guys train hard go hard be Hard
To everyone who wrote “stay cool” in my middle school year book…I have some devastating news
KID: Where’s grandma?
DAD: She’s in a better place now
KID: Canada?
Spongebob would be more realistic if he had an abrasive side.
It turned out to be a huge mistake filling that pinata with healthy snacks around kids with weapons to beat you with.
Some Things Never Change 😀
#archaeohistories
I don’t have a spirit animal. I have a judgemental chicken that’s followed me around my whole life shaking its head disapprovingly.
ME {waking from 250 years of cryogenic stasis}: Wh…where am I?
FUTURE-COP: You managed to survive into the distant future, where shitty jokes are punishable by death
ME: Sounds like a bunch of updog to me
FUTURE-COP: W-