Not enough arguments are settled with a dance off.
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I interviewed 300 high achievers about their morning routine, and you will never believe, they all have inherited family wealth.
[inventing a new flavor Dorito] what’s the last thing you stepped on
I wish more modern politics was about trying to stop the fulfilment of an ancient prophesy.
I hate people who take drugs.
Especially Border Patrol
We brought home a betta fish, and I’ve officially spent more time deciding it’s name than I did naming the kids
Do you ever think about how great it would be to be a cat? Just have a bad attitude all the time, knock stuff off tables, scratch tf out of people, then just turn your belly up for rubs… but not too many rubs, no no
Ann: I wanna break up
Ed: why?
A: you use time travel to manipulate me
E: when, exactly, did you start to suspect this?
A: well… Hey!
[ gets death tarot card ]
me: i’ve heard it’s really not that bad
blackjack dealer: idk seems kinda bad
Hey guy in your car behind me, Your honking isn’t going to make me type any faster.
everything i’ve learned about megan fox and machine gun kelly has been against my will
[future]
Kid: Grammar and spelling are stupid, dad! Why do I have to learn them anyway?
Me: Internet arguments, mostly
My husband hasn’t forgiven me for answering ‘Okie dokie artichokie’ instead of utilizing the more socially acceptable phrase, “I do.”
“Let’s call it a day.”
I don’t know what else you’d call it.
Calling it a turtle would just sound stupid.
“Lets call it a turtle.”
See?
“What if we took the sound of a cow giving birth and turned it into music?”
– inventor of the bagpipe
We’ve got some ground rules in this house bro. if there’s a sock on the doorknob it means im trippin balls and think the door is a big foot
If you can’t think of a word say “I forget the English word for it”. That way people will think you’re bilingual instead of an idiot.
Damn that is one huge cow. this is why I buy internet on flights. I almost saw that 6 hours after you guys did
I solve the trolley problem by choosing whichever option is more inconvenient for the passengers
My wife is mocking me because I declared that going to the grocery store was a date night
Cashier: Gimme shake
Customer: *offers paw*
Cashier: Good…here’s your order!
-McDogald’s
Wearing high heels and releasing doves at weddings are so last century. I’ll be wearing running shoes and releasing chickens at mine
Dance like no one is watching. Email it like it might be read aloud one day in front of a Jury.
Her: Going out with the girls.
Me: Please give my best to the coven.
Her:
Me: Did I say that out loud?
Before I do anything important, I always ask myself “would this gain house points for Gryffindor or lose house points for Gryffindor?”
the only other single person at this wedding is my nephew fml
*gets a new lease on life*
*misses first payment*
“I’m gonna look to my left and run as fast as I can.”
– Toddlers
If you tell me having a dog is the same as having a kid then I’m going to assume you yell at your dog to keep his pants on at Wal-Mart.
GIRL: wow that shirt really brings out your eyes!
ME: *eyes protruding completely out of my head* yeah the collar is too tight or something