It’s not a dog if it fits in your handbag.
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My therapist: You cannot be in gratitude and have resentment at the same time.
Me: OK I am grateful for this list of my enemies. It helps me to resent them in a very organized way.
ME: This house is haunted by a teenager who died here
HIM: Nothing is happening
ME: It’s midday, he doesn’t get up until mid-afternoon
For Halloween I’m putting on a fishnet body stocking and going as a bag of onions.
I just bought a new pair of sunglasses for whoever finds them in 3 weeks.
At this point in my life, the little angel on my shoulder just says “Oh this is gonna be good…” and starts munching popcorn.
She blocked me on everything, she must wanna see me in person
An extra mozzarella stick could be the difference in a 3 star or a 5 star experience.
*me overestimating my server’s position on reviews
[doing group photography]
ME: now let me take one without the flash
THE FLASH: what the-
REST OF JUSTICE LEAGUE: wait let’s hear him out
My granddad just said if I was having trouble getting rid of coffee stains on my teeth I should soak them in Clorox. I had to remind him that my teeth don’t come out
*Growling bear comes out of the woods*
Me: Aww, it’s a giant teddy.
Him: Are you crazy? Run!
Me: *arms wide open* Bring it in.
Bear:*embraces me & cries* This is all I ever wanted.
911, what’s your emergency?
Me (whispering): I’m holding a bagel in my right hand
Are you left handed?
No but I couldn’t use my right thumbprint to unlock my iPhone so I used the emergency button
Okay but why are you whispering?
I don’t want the killer to know I have a bagel
My grandfather came to this country with nothing but the shirt on his back. When he got here, the cops made him put on pants, too.
ok, i’m calling bullshit on Ariel singing underwater
Game Show Host: if you were stranded on an island with no people, what–
Me: omg yes
You’re trying to get me drunk aren’t you?
Me to myself
Licked a frog once.
He didn’t turn into a prince but he did turn into an ambulance ride.
My kitchen overserved me.
*co-worker approaching elevator*
*I try to hit “close door” button*
*I miss, hit “open door”*
Co-worker: thanks for holding it
Me: Of course
Him: “So what’s your bedroom number?”
Me: “7”
Him: “oh really?”
Me: “yeah, how many pillows do YOU sleep with?”
When someone invites me to their home, and I see more than 3 cars outside, I just keep on driving. Just in case it’s an intervention!🤣🤣🤣
I’m tired of all this mother effing playdough on the mother effing floor.
-Samuel L Jackson, babysitting my kids
hate seeing someone driving a cement mixer and theyre mixing the cement as they drive. mix it at home and just drive
You’re in a work meeting and your boss asks, “Any questions?”
The answer is always, NO.
I got kicked out of another Super Bowl party for changing the channel to Forensic Files
DATING TIP: show her your hula hoop skills. keep adding hula hoops. you’re now a slinky. everybody loves a slinky.
Crazy how my 5yo can explain something in painstaking detail unless it’s anything I specifically asked her.
I’m making all of the random open bags of things in our freezer for dinner. Everyone gets 4 chicken nuggets, 5 tater tots, 6 fries, and an onion ring.
Best thing for your hangover…me playing “My Heart Will Go On” for you on the kazoo.
Exterminator: I can’t do anything about it.
Me: but I’m infested.
Exterminator: look! you’re the one who chose to have this many kids.