He’s like the ocean
Deep and dirty
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Son got a RC drone for Christmas. Used it twice and never touched it again. I’ve become a bit of an expert on it chasing the neighbour’s cat out the garden when he comes for a dump. I can get the drone on and out the window in thirty seconds and chase him across six gardens.
Everybody’s talking about the super obnoxious drunk guy at the bar last night. I was at that same bar and I didn’t even notice him. Weird.
If you’ve been talking for 5 minutes straight, it might be someone else’s turn
We flip out at the weatherman when he gets it wrong like twice a month. In the 1600s, if you guessed the weather correctly even once, they’d call you a witch and burn you at the stake.
My Ex is so mean she would train homing pigeons and then move away…
You know you’re drunk when you sit down on the toilet & try to put your seatbelt on
I Googled “Books for women in their 30s.” One of the results said “Books for women late in life.” I’m in my 30s, not moving to a retirement home.
“This syrup tastes funny…”
-Me, drunk, putting soy sauce on my pancakes
Hell hath no fury like a kid watching his friend sporting the same toy he broke a while ago
My bladder thinks it knows where I live, but in truth it assumes my toilet is in the street about 100m from the front door.
Kids today are so coddled- Elf on the Shelf, Toy Story. In my day, if dolls magically came to life, they murdered you and everyone you loved
My 5 yr old has “letter bags” at school. Each week we put items into the bag to represent each letter. This week is V. She told us one kid brought “pills”.
Me: Viagra?!
5: I don’t know.
Me: Valium?! Vicodin?!
5: Yeah, maybe….Husband: Vitamins.
Me: Oh, that makes more sense.
*Viewing apartments
Estate agent: I know it’s not particularly big but…
Me: Not big?! The only way I’m living here is if it comes with a letter from Hogwarts
Me: hi 🙂
Woman at bar: it’s loud in here, I’m sorry, did you just say “colon closed parentheses” ???
I’m trying to explain to my mother how to get pictures off her phone, while we’re on the phone, and everything is awful.
I hit my daily fruit intake yesterday by eating all the fruit garnishments in and on my drinks
My boss accused me of being overly dramatic, I lamented in a soliloquy as I threw myself across the desk in feigned shock
Him: I have feelings for you.
Me: I’d rather you have cake for me.
I wish they sold off-brand cars.
I’d get me a Joop
Let me make something perfectly clear.
– Anyone who has washed a window
It’s like being a teenager again. Gas is cheap and I’m grounded.
Getting ready for school this morning:
Me: “Ok buddy, if you get hot at school, what are you going to do?”
5yo (thinking): “Oh I know! UNBUTTON MY PANTS!”
Me: “……..no.”
who’s your fav Disney Princess? Mine is the Italian chef who made an entire candlelit meal for two stray dogs and then serenaded them until they kissed
*gets down on 1 knee*
OMG
*puts 2nd knee down*
WHAT?
*lays on floor*
JIM?
*snake noises*
WHAT ARE YOU DOING?
*slithers out of relationship*
Her: What’s something you’ve never told anyone?
Me: I think ravioli should be an appetizer at restaurants
Her: Like something naughty though
Me: I like to eat ravioli before my meals
Jesus turned water into wine.
I turn food into fertilizer.
We are not the same.
Hear me out.. fashion bibs for adult messy eaters, like me
Hunter: We hunt the most dangerous game- man
Me: But statistically the most dangerous is-
Mosquito on the wall: *violently shushing me*
I googled my symptoms and it turns out that half of y’all are stupid 🤕
me: i’ll have the mouse, please
waiter: that’s mousse, sir
me: never mind then, that’ll be way too much food