*Moses opens tablet*
You have TEN unread commandments.
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8 ways to manage anger:
– scream into tapestry
– incoherent accusations
– threaten France
– try to shoot lightening from finger tips
– wine
– hurl Spaniards into the Thames
– cake for you and no one else
– new wife
Him: I bet you’re good in bed.
Me: Oh hell yeah I am. I sleep solid as a rock!
I wonder if giraffes can eat so much their stomach explodes bc they just don’t know it right away cuz it’s in their neck for so long. What.
How many tamagotchi funerals do you have to attend before you realize you may never be a grandparent 🤷🏻♀️
I hope they boil the right one.
I THOUGHT IT WAS AN EDIBLE
No thanks. If I wanted flaky I’d date a pie crust.
I TRY to shoot all of my garbage into outer space, but usually it just lands in my neighbor’s backyard.
I never realized my dog has the same last name as me until I took him to the vet.
unlike drugs, twitter addiction won’t cost you anything, except your social life
Autocorrect changed no worries to no weiners and that’s my new tagline.
Whisper out to librarians!
cashier, scanning alcohol: ID please
my dad, every single time: [pointing to me] here’s my ID. heh
Banker: You’re sure you want a reverse mortgage & get how it works?
Me(imagines bank making huge unaffordable payments to me for years): Yes
Doglike cats are some of the sweetest, most adorable creatures on the planet. Catlike dogs emerged directly from a portal to hell
therapist:
Ever considered using something other than comedy as a defense mechanism?me:
Like judgmental stares and mumbling?therapist:
No.me:
….Knives?therapist:
Forget I asked.
What idiot called it “CSI: France – Murder in a Bakery” instead of “Baguette and Tag It”
Dogs naturally form packs, and if left undisturbed, will teach themselves how to play poker.
Want to feel like a cute puppy? Follow the steps:
1: Grow curly hair
2: Wait for the petting, it’ll come
Goose down pillows are great until a feather pokes you in the face. 🤣
when relatives at your next get together start talking politics, a fun thing to do is say “yeah it’s just like orwell’s 1984,” and then describe the plot of Twilight
*feels the wind in my toe hair
Trees to oxygen:
“Pfft. Waste product.”
“Ah yes, well, the laws of quantum mechanics” is what I’m going to start saying, very pretentiously, when someone says something I don’t understand.
[on date]
“I think we should take this a step farther”
Actually, farther implies distance, while further is figurati-
*date already left*
My heist companions jump into the car, screaming, “GO! GO!” at me.
I frantically lick sauce off my fingers, trying to pack up my leftover spare ribs…
due to inflation 6 inches is now 9 inches
Son: Did you know some birds mate for life?
Me: All birds mate for life. That’s the point, dummy.
He said he absolutely would not hang Christmas lights today when I asked. Anyway, he’s almost done hanging the lights, they look very nice.