son: why is my name jesus
dad: mom wanted to name u after a rolemodel
other son: &me?
dad: well Charizard the same reason but it was my turn
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Pro Tip:
Never make snow angels in a dog park
My safe word is antidisestablishmentarianism.
Don’t worry. I never get laid.
Cat burglar: Quietly steals all your valuables
Dog burglar: Eats your ham, sleeps in bed with you for awhile, wakes you up to go out at 3am
cop: the perp was found with red paint on his fingers, so i guess you could say he was caught.. *looks at camera* why is there a camera here
Before kids: My mind is a steel trap.
After kids: My mind is a steel colander.
My Fitbit was delivered today. It’s still sitting in the mailbox because I don’t want to walk all the way out there.
me, doing piggyback rides with daughter: isn’t this fun?
her: *out of breath* dad ur like super heavy
I took a spin class and it went amazingly- well, that’s what they TOLD me to say.
People often wonder if Tom and Jerry were enemies offscreen, as well. According to Tom, “sort of.”
I’m a postman, and when I’m delivering a package which is obviously drugs, I just keep the drugs for myself, what are they going to do? Complain that the postman stole their drugs?
Some say I’ve “gone off the rails,” or “left the reservation,” or “screwed the pooch,” or “mixed my metaphors,” or “launched the hot dog”
Me: I’m here for a good time, not a long time.
Climate Change: Actually, you’re here for neither.
Give a man a fish and chances are you won’t be asked to be in charge of buying a gift “from all of us” anymore.
Bought coffee flavoured ice cream hoping the kids would hate it and I could have it all but NOPE! Joke’s on me!
Curse you,
gloriously divine Häagen-Dazs in literally any flavour.
Prince Charming fell madly in love with Cinderella after only one dance, yet I’ve performed a majestic rendition of The Humpty Dance at multiple weddings and haven’t gotten even one date out of it.
Someone want to tell my kids that the color of the bowl has NO EFFECT ON THE FLAVOR OF THE FOOD!!
[joker voice] one person steals a joke? they’re a joke thief. a scumbag. but a thousand people steal a joke? [smacks lips] that’s a meme
if three separate women were faking covid test results in order not to date me, i would simply not tell that fact to the new york times
This is how classically trained musicians beautifully battle on stage
Ladies, don’t date hungry guys…they’re just trying to get into your pantries.
*Spider exam: How to scare people out of their mind*
✘ Fly
✘ Breathe fire
✔ Sit still on the ceiling and mind your own business
Day one without power. Already considering which neighbor would taste best.
Found an expired condom. Oh well, still ate it anyway. Hope I don’t get sick!
Pillsbury DoughBoy: I don’t ask for much in a relationship. I just want to feel kneaded
Twitter is where you ask an actual question for help & get nothing but stars yet you tell a joke with a question mark & everybody answers.
“What do you want? I’m very busy.”
“Afternoon, ma’am, my name is-“
“Who is it, Mom?”
“No one, go finish your homework.”
Me: I love you
Wife: I will testify against you if required
[Bleeding out from a polar bear attack]
Me: *Choking on my own blood* I loved you in those Coke commercials.
Me being confident.
I am 99% sure I did it, well 90% anyway.
Ok.. 50%.
Did I do it?
When I was little I asked God for a bike. He didn’t deliver so I stole a bike and asked for forgiveness instead.