I feel lethargic today. Probably has nothing to do with the two thousand grams of white sugar consumed yesterday.
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one of my ex’s just randomly sent me $200 for “the trauma he caused me”. this is the only form of apology i will be excepting from now on
There’s no ‘i’ in gaslight.
I think the bigger issue with our country is that Paula Deen even had that many endorsements to lose in the 1st place.
I cannot walk on water, But I can wobble on whisky.
Please say a prayer for my 8 year old son, he has to write 4 sentences.
Kidnapper: [on phone] we have your son.
Wife: actually I’m holding my son.
Kidnapper: [getting frustrated] then who the heck just asked for chocolate milk with a straw and made us cut the crust off his PB&J?
Wife: oh god.
Kidnapper: what?
Wife. you have my husband.
Once I get my tourettes under control, it’s over for you twitches
My staunch refusal to procreate has deprived some very competent therapist of a vacation home.
911: What’s your emergency?
Me: This guy just died in my arms tonight.
911: How did he die?
Me: It must’ve been something I said.
Hearing a noise as a renter: Sounds like the plumbing might be going.
Hearing a noise as a homeowner: Ghosts!
If you feel like you hate everyone, eat.
If you feel like everyone hates you, sleep.
If you feel like you hate yourself, shower.
If you feel like everyone hates everyone, go outside.
While everyone is busy complaining about their tweets being stolen & put on Facebook, I’ve quietly become the funniest person on MySpace!
DeBeers ad: *Close up of eyes tearing up then a block of parmesan reggiano – man gets down on one knee*
This year, let them know it’s forever with an investment of 3 months salary in cheese.
Put me in your bio so I know it’s real… Just kidding, I’d rather be in your will.
Me: Where’s Ken?
3-year-old daughter: He broke up with Barbie. Then a T. rex ate him.
I pity any boy who ever dates my little girl.
I just turned my toaster upside down and dislodged 5 years’ worth of charred breakfast remnants and a single screw that I hope wasn’t important.
Kids, we can go to the pet expo BUT WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY ANIMALS. WE ALREADY HAVE A DOG
*leaves with two lizards, a fish & a baby giraffe
Americans sure like Star Wars for something that immediately forces you to read
I know this intervention is serious business but I see absolutely no snacks here.
What I’ve learned in life is that there is a time and a place to be funny, what I haven’t learned is to distinguish those times.
Kenny Rogers: You’ve got to know when to hold em’
Neo-natal nurse: awww
Kenny Rogers: And know when to fold em?
Neo-natal nurse: absolutely not
Her: Wasn’t it fun cutting down our own Christmas tree?
Me: Yea, especially when that guy chased us out of his yard…
A cup of tea in the morning and I’m ready to start my day. A cup of tea in the morning from my I Moose Wake Up mug and hell, I’ll start your day too.
good morning to every english teacher who woke up this morning like “today’s the day I assign a short story that will haunt them till the day they die”
The person who is your first and last thought of the day is either the one who has your heart, or who’s murder you’re secretly plotting.
pretty disappointing remote islands don’t control other islands.
Shamrocks are the most dishonest of all the rocks.
Dance like nobody’s watching. Sing like nobody’s listening. Walk around the party eating the cheeseball like an apple.