Make porridge seem more glamorous by describing it as “Oat Cuisine”.
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I Wasn’t Paying Attention to the Zoom Until I Heard My Name Called: A Memoir
I just remembered today is the day when a bunch of people tweet super bowel
I hope people who faint in public know that they’re making things super awkward for the rest of us.
Son: but I don’t like when the house pees on me
Me: OMG JUST GET IN THE SHOWER
Some nice person with absolutely no issues of their own dm’d me and asked how I sleep at night being such a “bloodsucking piece of sh*t divorce attorney” and I said, “like a baby on 1000 thread count sheets.”
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*
dog: *looks at me*
dog: *looks at treat jar*aaaaaaand scene
My job demands an awful lot of responsibility for someone who still hopes he wakes up with superpowers one day.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
I hate when my husband brings home the cheap, sandpaper-ish toilet paper and then I realize I’m super unmarried and I only have myself to blame for this
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
Them: “Nobody said anything.”
Me: “I’ll drink to that!”
If I were a billionaire I wouldn’t build rockets to escape to Mars. I would build rockets to make everyone else leave Earth.
As often as I lose lighters and sunglasses, it’s a good thing I never had kids.
Or did I?
Yet again my date made me get out of his car before we’d even had dinner. Uber is the worst dating app ever.
I wouldn’t trust someone as far as I could throw them
[throws someone]
ok, we can trust that baby
Son: What’s this spell? *waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: I’m not sure, bud.
Son: PAY ATTENTION! *aggressively waves finger wildly in the air*
Me: Ummmm, truck?
Son: Were you even looking? Try again. *pointedly waves finger wildly in the air*[repeat ad infinitum]
[mosh pit]
me: HELLOOO TRYING TO DRINK A LATTE HERE
searching for people who think cologne is spelled colon is my favorite thing to do
I just hit myself in the face with a hanger while putting clothes away. Zero ⭐️s. Do not recommend.
I’m not the kind of man who runs after women…….
But, I can walk.
[cool person follows me]
me: ok I gotta bring my A game now it’s only good tweets from here
me 5 mins later: horses r just big dogs ?
people who brush their teeth in the shower are operating on a level of efficiency i have no desire of achieving
Calling someone a drama queen is so negative. Why not “content creator”?
I taught the baby to say “help” instead of just yelling and now she says help like a Southern belle with the vapors
Your face is perpetually itchy now that you’re not supposed to touch it.
It’s science.
A Navidad is just a normal Dad that never has to ask for directions.
HER: *Points to my dish* I’ll have what he’s having
ME:*Blocks plate w/ my arms* This is mine
H: No, I mea-
M:*To waiter* Tell her it’s mine
Can’t afford a deep tissue massage? Try sleeping with a toddler
It is possible to fail a cheese-making class but you have to eat your entire final exam to find out.
If snails are so slow, how come nobody sees them coming? It’s always like bam, there’s a snail
Don’t say you want a girl who’s “funny and spontaneous” if you’re gonna panic when I knock on your window late at night, dressed as a clown.