Sign your kids up for sports so that they can get exercise, and drive-thru for dinner.
You Might Also Like
@DaddyJew @funTweeters
Alarm: I have boyfriend
The pumpkin was invented in 1942 when a watermelon put on corduroys.
If you’re short on time in the morning, pouring a little gasoline in your toaster will make it cook faster.
What do you mean I didn’t bring anything into this relationship? The washer and dryer were mine
Posting “wow pretty problematic” under every single person’s Spotify wrapped and then responding “it’s not my job to educate you” when they ask what I mean by that.
*checking out*
Card Reader: Would you like to donate $1.00 to Charity X? □ Y □ N
*enters N*
CR: Are u a selfish prick? □ Y □ N
Just know, if I’ve asked you at least 6 times nicely and then sang it as a song, the next time it’s coming out as an unhinged shout.
A taser but for people who say “it is what it is”.
people say opposites attract but I say find a partner who’s deranged in the same ways you are and double your capacity to be annoying
A baby was born laughing really hard with it’s fists closed! The confused Doctor unfolded it’s tiny fingers, & found a birth control pill.
My beef with you is that you’re too chicken to pork me.
The calories in food given to you by someone else don’t count, right?
My Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS FORGED BETWEEN OUR PEOPLES LONG AGO.
Me: Stop it, it’s 6 in the morning.
Cat: YOU PLEDGED ETERNAL SERVITUDE.
Me: I did not.
Cat: IN EXCHANGE WE WOULD COME TO YOUR AID IN YOUR HOUR OF NEED.
Me: I’m not feeding you.
Cat: REMEMBER THE PACTS.
Dear Fox news,
I have yet to see any news about foxes.
Sincerely,
disappointed viewer.
“Catch me if you can, officer.”
*Seductively winks.*screams as police dog takes me down.
Me: Hiding in my pantry from a murderer
Also me: Opens a bag chips in pantry gets murdered
You’re never too old or too stupid to become older and stupider
Me: Well, basically it sounds like when you’re crouching in an abandoned building on a remote planet in the future and a Cylon is scanning for your presence to destroy you.
Dishwasher Repair Man: That will be $200.
Accidentally sucked up a ghost in my vacuum cleaner, not sure what the protocol is for this
“A room in motion will stay in motion until you sober up.”
~Newton’s little known fourth law of motion
I taught my 4yo niece to play poker today. It got pretty cutthroat, & I’m now the proud owner of a Barbie Dream house & her entire Hatchimal collection.
If I ever met a Space Alien, I’d resist shaking its extended appendage, not knowing for sure the details of alien anatomy.
Me: oh shit I am running so late
My dog: [barfs]
Just dropped ranch dressing on my phone then licked it off. So some of you just got to first base with me.
pharaoh: make my tomb a giant triangle
architect: ah yes, the triangle shape is strong and sturdy & the sides will be sloped so you can symbolically climb into the afterlife
pharaoh: [thinking about using it as a giant slide] yes
“I don’t want to see the movie until I read the book first” is why I’ve never watched a movie in my life
I just checked Web MD and a heart that grows two sizes is called a cardiomegaly and the grinch is pretty fortunate to be alive.
Please don’t come to my garage sale if you’ve ever let me borrow something.
My dead husband has to report for jury duty. He just can’t catch a break.