Nice try girl with a great job and is mentally stable…
Hello crazy chick with anger issues and a knife collection.
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think my Uber driver is flirting w/ me
Whoa whoa whoa, I thought that was OUR thing!
-me to my favorite cashier when she smiles at other customers
Imagine coming back to life as a zombie but someone tied your shoes together before you were buried.
Freddie Mercury: I’m just a poor boy, nobody loves me
Chorus of Dads: HI JUST A POOR BOY, I’M DAD! SPARE HIM HIS LIFE FROM THIS MONSTROSITY
Then: Runs 5 miles every morning before work
Now: Picks up a dryer sheet with my toes so I don’t have to bend over
Shower sex be like:
I wonder how many times they edited the Bible to take out whenever Jesus said “anyhoo”
I am absolutely no good at dumping people. I couldn’t even bring myself to switch drycleaners until my old one died…
The soul weighs 21 grams. We know this because the Jurassic World film reels are 21 grams lighter than Jurassic Park
I wonder what the part of my brain that used to remember phone numbers is up to these days.
Imagine me riding a bike.
Wrong.
There’s no seat.
dr pepper just lost her medical license. 😔 now she’s just ms pepper. 😂 bet you thought i was going to say mr pepper! 😒 no. ✋🛑 dr pepper has been a woman this whole time. 😜 unlearn your internal biases!👩⚕️ she lost her license for throwing a baby in the trash ⛹️♀️👶
Welcome to Twitter.
Here is where you will find the original authors of all of the jokes and memes that you see on other platforms.
WIFE: This is dumb.
DAUGHTER: This is so stupid.
ME: This is getting out of hand!
THIS: [leaping out of my palm] I HATE YOU GUYS I’M LEAVING
Slept with my makeup and now my pillow looks like the shroud of Revlon.
Googles *getting back in shape*
Google: back?
My kids’ superpower is finding something to fight about after only being awake for 2 minutes.
I have a tattoo of a tiger shirt underneath my tiger shirt so when I take off my tiger shirt BOOM tiger shirt
Me: hi, I’d like to schedule an exorcism for my husband
Priest: what makes you think he’s possessed?
Me: he forgets to eat on a regular basis
Priest: that’s not really-
Me: also he doesn’t “care for for cheese”
Priest: *grabs largest crucifix* Let’s do this
When is a robot gonna take over my job? Please?
Archeology has taught us that our ancestors were skeletons that lived underground and drank from broken cups.
*conducting job interview* And what would you say your biggest weakness is? Other than that haircut.
Me: Hi—
Her: I have a boyfriend
Me: —and would you like fries with that?
There are two wolves inside you, I don’t remember what you’re supposed to do with them but I DO remember they WILL NOT do that thing with peanut butter that dogs will.
It’s so cute he threw in “hereby” as if it means anything.
“I hereby order the Cubs to win their next 20 games.”
Me: Ugh I’ve gained so much weight
Him: It’s ok, babe
Me: [my eyes turn black as the sky darkens; a swarm of locusts encircle us; a priest faints and a demonic voice exits my mouth uttering a simple sound] Oh?
Latest election news: Donald Trump narrowly leads Hillary Clinton by 4 lies.
If I were a mob boss, I’d ask my henchmen to meet me down by the docks, then surprise them with a day of water skiing
When I borrow books about WW2 the librarian doesn’t assume I’m planning to invade Poland, so why does she eye me like I’m researching how to be a better serial killer if I take out something on guys like Ed Gein or Ted Bundy?