Flight attendant: Attention everyone. Kenny G is on board he’s agreed to play …
Me: *jumps out of airplane*
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Follow your dreams. Stalk them relentlessly. Hide behind plants & cars. Don’t let them see you coming. When they least expect it, attack.
“Hello, 911”
Hi it’s Mickey my dog is hurt bad
“Is it Goofy or Pluto?”
I don’t see how-
“Goofy or Pluto?”
Pluto
“Call a vet” *hangs up*
Maybe our declining vision is just nature’s way of letting us know when we’ve seen enough
Secure web server:
> Email/password please.
Insecure web server:
> I just don’t know if I’m good enough…am I?
Eating a takeout salad alone in your car can feel depressing, but not if you fully commit to the backstory that you’re a detective on a stakeout.
I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
I’m convinced that this trip to Toronto will end with my being arrested for not being nice enough.
“Are you happy, Ted? Now you know what that button does.”
I give everyone nicknames because using real names is for people who can remember people’s names.
Today I broke up a fight my kids had over whose popsicle was colder. Don’t tell me being a mom isn’t cool.
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Her: I’m a meteorologist and study weather
Me:
Her:
Me: you study whether what?
1974: 3 hours to buy a movie ticket.
1989: Welcome to Movie-Fone!
2017: *streams Star Wars on toilet*
My hair looks amazing today. I hope I see everybody I hate.
*Knock Knock*
Me: Who is it?
Police: Police.
Me:What do u want?
Police: To talk.
Me: How many r u?
Police: 2
Me: Talk to each other.
Me: You bought 6 bottles of carpet cleaning solution?
Wife: Yes.
Me: We have hard wood floors.
Wife: I had a coupon that was expiring today!
Join us in calling for a total ban of people. They are extremely dangerous. If you know any people, report them at once to the authorities.
Whoever said imitation is the sincerest form of flattery hasn’t had a 7yo mimicking their every word for the last 10 minutes.
Get married and have kids so you can spend the rest of your life going “Who ate all the ________?”
Definition of Rap Songs: Anything that is too stupid to be spoken is sung.
Congratulations parents! You made it through the Terrible Twos! Your child is now three!
You’re gonna want to be sitting down for what I’m about to tell you…
Renting a billboard with the word MOIST in giant letters seems like a fantastic way to piss off a lot of people quickly.
[FIRST DAY AS A LAWYER]
Bailiff: Do you swear to tell the truth, the whole truth, and nothing but the truth.
Witness: I do.
Me: How do I look in these pants?
You know how you have that ONE hoodie that no matter when or what you’re eating — you ALWAYS spill something on it? It’s cuz you’re a pig.
[1st time meeting a friends baby]
Me to the Wife: “Our baby would kill their baby in a duel.”
Friend: “HEY! WE CAN HEAR YOU!”
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
“just sayin” who asked you though?
[SPELLING BEE]
JUDGE: Tim, your word is “Oak”
TIM: [deep breath] Ok
*BUZZER*
T: What th–
J: So close! It’s O-‘A’-K
T: But…
J: Hard luck, kid
Even Benjamin Button would feel old by the time 2020 finally ends.
Me: *about to go into a meeting*
My anxiety: you pronounce “template” weird