me: yay, i’m getting to bed on time!
my brain: let’s obsess over how you’ll protect your children if you’re at the beach during a tsunami
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My 12yo daughter has a male friend in her room right now and I just heard her say the word “romance” through the door, so if you need me I’ll be knocking on their door with panic-snacks every 10 minutes and weeping salty dad-tears the rest of the time
Made it to that level of parenting a teenager where you hand over thousands of dollars to an orthodontist and then a year later she has crooked teeth because “bruh, the dog ate the retainer like a long time ago.”
If I get murdered please arrest the person who goes on tv and says I had “a zest for life.” I don’t care if they’re the killer but I don’t want my memory disrespected like that.
Them: Ma’am, we’re going to have to ask you leave…
Me: *doing the limbo under the police tape at a crime scene*
*Goes to bathroom
*Reaches down to unzip
*Discovers pants have been unzipped for the last 4 hours
*Starts wearing underwear
How long do you have to work at KFC before they make you a colonel?
👃🏻: what are you wearing?
😋: Tide….WITH odor eliminator.
When someone slings shit at me, I like to duck and let it hit the person stabbing me in the back.
Who the hell invented Bull Riding?
“Hey, I’m gonna hop on that 2,000 pound pissed off animal…Time me!!!”
My ex from LAST YEAR posted ‘6 years strong’ with his girlfriend???? I-
If sex was my religion, I’d be an athiest.
One of my husband’s friends added me on Snapchat and I thought it was weird so I started a group chat for the three of us. 😂😇
Me, to teenage son: You just keep trying and trying until it eventually goes in
Wife, whispering to me: What the hell were you teaching him about
Me: USB sticks
Wife: Oh thank god
It’s been about 3 years since my last drink and I’m still hungover.
Remember to horrify your friends and family by testing out your tweets on Facebook today
DUI stands for: don’t uber, i got this.
GUY 1: I beat cancer
GUY 2: I backpacked thru Europe
GUY 1: So what?
GUY 2: And I didn’t tell anyone about it when I got back
GUY 1: You win
gargoyle: I’m not feeling well, omg *blarfgh!!!
Okay this nightmare isn’t going to realize itself
Alcohol is photoshop for real life.
[after dinner]
Me: I can’t eat another bite.
Also me: *whimsically eats entire spongebob ice cream cake*
coach: what are you doing???
me: you said do 50 singles
coach: singles means jump rope, not 50 tacos
me, mouth full of tacos: wull ith’s too late now brad!
*breaks all my teeth eating a Nature Valley granola bar* well at least it’s super dry and doesn’t taste very good
I downloaded the Pinterest app and now my phone is stuck in a mason jar.
Annoying my husband while he watches Star Trek: “Why does everyone in the future wear upholstery fabrics?”
Someone had to say it 🤷♂️
girls will be like “this is my comfort movie” and it’s The Exorcist
I’m glad that when you shoot, you shoot to kill … because shooting to merely wound seems kinda mean.
Told my sister I had to buy rice krispy treats cause I’m snack mom for my daughter’s game and she said why don’t you just make them and I said I’m sorry you have the wrong number and hung up on her.
Whenever I have a panic attack, I put a brown paper bag over my mouth…and drink all the vodka inside.
It seems to help