After Eve, God didn’t speak directly to another female for the rest of the Bible. A single woman pissed off an omniscient deity that much.
You Might Also Like
7: mom look I got my math test back!
me: you got 35 out of 35 that’s 100% im so proud of you!
7: cool, so 35 and 35 is 100?
me: …like I said, said proud…
My belly popped the button off my pants today so don’t tell me my quarantine-cation was uneventful.
[last day of creative writing class]
“are u ready to name ur band?”
Dave Matthews: u bet i am
If you start smacking people with your wife’s purse she won’t ask you to hold it for her anymore
my main career goal atm is to find a big bag of money in the woods
How do you say “I’m sorry I got you pregnant, but my plane leaves in an hour. I might visit the baby one day.” in Korean?
I just stopped by to water my horse.
Guys, ladies love a rugged man.
Be like a wolf.
Knock down her house.
Eat her grandmother.
Tear her to shreds.
*makes wolf sounds
Me:[grabbing my guitar] i wrote this for you.
Her: awww.
Me:*pulls note out of guitar hole*
“we’re out of cereal.”
I wonder if Pink’s parents are named Red and White.
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
“No YOU’RE a nerd” I say, as I finish carving my cheddar cheese Millennium Falcon
Who said chivalry is dead, I open the door at least a hundred times a day for my cat and dogs.
She’s a cosmetologist, bro. Astronaut stuff.
Imagine a hunter in a deer stand but instead of a gun he has a long stick he pokes the deer with and they look around like “ok who did that”
I’m not the fun “Why not?” friend, I’m the friend who will tell you why not.
Batman is awfully lazy when it comes to naming all of his shit.
My husband messaged me upset that he couldn’t find his jacket. I can understand his confusion because I’d hung it on the coatrack.
My kids tell me I drink too much.
It’s funny they don’t make the connection.
Adults should not be twins. Being twins is for children.
Dear God, make me a bird. So I can fly real high and then shit on people.
Me: I hate it when I realize I’ve made a bad decision, but I’m too far in to turn back.
Bartender: One more then?
Me: Yep
*getting murdered*
wait stop moving. im trying to get the dog filter on both of us
*intermittently glances at phone while placing order for 6 burritos so the Chipotle lady thinks they’re for multiple people*
If you’re religious, you get to confess your sins.
If you’re not, you get to enjoy them.
Don’t even THINK about “honey”ing me if you’ve shrunk the damn kids…
it’s called boxing because smash mouth was taken
“After he ate the shrooms, Mario ate flowers and pretended he could shoot fireballs out of his hands.”
– Princess Peach, at Couples Therapy
Why don’t we just number the days of the week, like:
Onesday
Twosday
Threesday
Foursday
Fivesday
Sixday
Sevensday
I moved to this city ten years ago with just the clothes on my back. I soon learned that I’d also need some clothes for my front. City people aren’t as open minded as you’d think.