Where were these Terrorists when Seth Rogen did the Green Hornet?!?!?
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My old boss was married and had six girlfriends who all worked for him. I didn’t know relationships could work like days of the week underwear
Raise the bar ..?
Like, go and drink upstairs ..?
Therapist: You have an addictive personality
Me: I think you’re pretty great too
Just found out my girlfriend cheated on me, but I got her back by sleeping with her best friend. “That’s right, I fucked Gary you whore!!
Plain white T’s: A thousands miles seems pretty far, but they’ve got plans and trains and cars
The proclaimers: *after walking 500 miles and 500 more* ……they have…. WHAT?!
Do you think Ariel ate the scallops whose shells she wears as a bra or that she just found them?
Waiter: I meant any questions about our menu.
Elliott didn’t care about E.T. He just wanted a flying bike.
the racists in this town are so proud of their lack of pigmentation you’d think they had actually chose it themselves 🙂
What’s the best treatment for a persistent cough? Honey? Hot tea? That cough medicine that knocks you out cold for 14 hours? New pair of shoes? Three week vacation? I am willing to try anything, especially that last one
LIBRARIAN: our library has three stories
ME: shouldn’t it have more?
If you love a balloon, set it free. If it comes back to you, it probably wasn’t a balloon.
Nextdoor is Twitter for old people. 🧐
[on a date]
Her: I love music
Me: *casually pulls guitar from underneath the table* Oh wow, where did this come from?
Her: *leaving seductively, slowly dragging fingertip across countertop*
Mgr: What’d she want?
Me: nothing.
Mgr: Where’re all the donuts?
So my 6 year old neighbour is like Uncle B do you like fruits
I say yeah I do…
And kid’s like I brought you fruit 💀
Anyway what does one do with an unripe paw paw
I get out of awkward conversations by pulling a balloon out, making a dog and just say I need to take it for a walk.
My superpower is hiding takeout containers from the food that I take credit for cooking.
[Me, watching my murderer wipe down everything as I’m dying]: “Oh, you don’t have to do that, don’t worry about it.”
Wrote a manifesto using Google Translate so if I ever murder someone I can plead insanity.
50% of modern life is trying to figure out what’s beeping.
If you are not supposed to drink WD40 why does it come with a straw??
[kids fighting in the back seat]
ME: I SWEAR TO GOD I WILL PULL OVER AND START A PODCAST RIGHT NOW IF YOU 2 DON’T CUT IT OUT.
Two raccoons reach into a moonlit bag of trash. A moment! Their paws meet. They lock eyes. They hiss and scratch the shit out of each other.
Please be more careful with your tacos. I just found them in my mouth.
Guys; if she stops responding to your messages for days, 100% of the time it’s a technical problem. Keep trying.
{Dictating journal because I’m too weak}
ME: I have now been sick for 7 years-
WIFE: 4 Days.
ME: With what we assume to be a bio-engineered super pneumonia-
WIFE: It’s a cold.
ME: No one has ever felt this bad-
WIFE: I literally have the same thing.
*slaps the cup out of the barista’s hand*
“No. I want Asriel, the guy with the man-bun, to make my latte. He has a better energy”
Me: [buys four boxes of Girl Scout Cookies]
[Later]
Me [walking into house]: Hey I bought a box of Girl Scout Cookies.
Judge: Your word is “Behemoth”
Contestant: Can you use it in a sentence please?
Me: *knocking judge out of the way* Half nocturnal, flying insect. Half human. Be he moth or be he man?!
Other judge: Security
Me: THE WORLD DESERVES TO SEE MY FILM!!