Pspspspsps works on people too, not just cats
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Q: Why isn’t the moon hairy?
A: Because it waxes every month.
I am very, very sick but a neighbor just rode his bike down the street screaming “WE ARE NOT GETTING ANY MORE ANIMALS!!!” while being chased by his 3 small children on their (decreasingly smaller) bikes who kept chanting “HAMSTER! HAMSTER! HAMSTER!” and I had to share
Maybe the dog broke my wife’s vintage cranberry glass vase, she don’t know.
7am: *starts diet*
7pm: *eats the house*
1pm, the perfect time to start doing the work I woke up early to get a jump on.
“Dear God, make me a bird, so I can…”
*turns into penguin*
“DAMMIT I WASN’T FINISHED!”
I gotta go grocery shopping. I’m the only snack left in the house.
Life cycle of cat
Big fan of taking a huge bite and then nodding while i chew. you make an excellent point, food.
Good Morning guys! Just ran 21 kilometers in 2.8 hours. Really didnt know I could have done it.
Temple Run is a really motivating game.
Oompa Loompa: When you die do we get the factory?
Wonka: No, I’ll just invite 5 random kids and murder 4.
Oompa Loompa: We need a union…
Apparently in order for exercise to be effective you have to keep doing it. Seems like a scam to me.
There’s no “i” in team. Unless you’re illiterate. Then there’s an “i” in everything. More creim in mi cofii pleis
make your kid’s birthday party a special one they’ll be talking about in therapy for years
Garfield creator breaks silence to give impassioned speech. “It’s pronounced Jarfield” he says through tears
My neighbor asked how I keep my grass looking so good
I told him to have a seat, it’s kind of a lawn story
“What charities do you donate to?”
“I mostly just leave sunglasses all over the world.”
Facebook Friend: I woke up at 3:30am so I could sneak in a 8 mile run.
Me: I skipped showering so I could sleep an extra 15 minutes.
Him: You okay?
Me eating a tube of cookie dough like a banana: Yeah, why?
Instead of being frustrated that you only have a 140 character limit just be thankful that I do.
I swear to god I’m not harassing you, I’m really out of shape that’s just my labored breathing
If my dog had a catchphrase it would be, “I came as soon as I heard! What do you need me to eat??”
When you get your nails done to show up all the haters it’s a mani petty
Kids are eating leftover cotton candy for breakfast, day 4 of summer break.
Let’s see what next week brings, other than Child Services.
I’m pregnant, during the holidays, during a never-ending pandemic. The next medical professional who makes me step on the scale better be prepared with some tissues and a sugar free lollipop to cheer me up.
I am certain at least half of all curse words in history were created while someone without ninja skills was trying to work in the same room as a housefly.
Space Cat: *furious as he knocks items off of a shelf and they just float in place, mocking him*
People give a detailed description to a police sketch artist after seeing someone for only a few seconds.
Meanwhile I’m 65% sure my wife has green eyes.
My fella asked me to name all my sexual partners. I took a couple of minutes to list them and eventually got to him. Should of stopped there
son: I don’t think he likes me
wife: your dad just has a hard time showing affection
me: [holding bag of doritos] GOD I LOVE DORITOS