Commercial for Twitter:
“Are you tired of arguing with people you actually know?”
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These hair growth vitamins are sure making my mustache fill in nicely.
I saw Van Gogh’s “Starry Night” hanging in a trailer I went in today, but I couldn’t get up the nerve to ask if it was the original or a print.
me: I lost the boy
wife: where?
me: at the burrito stand
wife: how?
me: I turned around for a second
wife: yes?!
me: and then for a third
I am hoping the next jump in human evolution removes humanity’s desire to find plot holes in joke tweets.
this is so top tier i cant
*trying to write a journal article*
*submits a manuscript that just says “around the world” 144 times because it worked for Daft Punk*
Just used the holiday card with your kid’s face on it to scoop up a dog turd in the living room.
People think i am so incapable of doing anything on my own that even if i commit suicide they would say it was murder.
I spoke to my doctor and he said, “if you drink every day you are an alcoholic.”
I’m lucky, I only drink every night.
Walmart was so crowded today that they had 2 cashiers working.
Our government needs REFORM, we need to make it ILLEGAL to put fake pockets on women’s clothing
Thanks for the swallow!
-bird collectors (you perv!!!)
penguins are just ducks going to a wedding
Please no more tweets from critics that are like “Wow, just watched an embargoed TV show. But I can’t tell you which show or whether the wow is good or bad.” What are we meant to do with these tweets. This is what texting your colleagues is for
I got hooked on Italian food in high school after my dealer sold me a bag of oregano.
I’m so tired of being jealous of my friends’ successes. It’s unhealthy and only hurts me. From now on, I’m going to focus on what’s really important: enjoying my friends’ failures.
The only difference between you and Harry Potter is that his magic wand actually works OOOOHHH BURRRRN
How times have changed.
Canadian winters be like:
Today’s high is -23, but with the wind chill it feels like -57.
I made all my money in the 80s selling Rubik’s Hammers. They were for b****-a** Cubes that thought they were smarter than you.
My neighbors started fighting and I can hear everything, so yes my life has a meaning again
I’m not like other girls, I know when I’m being irrational. I don’t let it stop me, but still
Shall I compare thee to a summer’s day? You smell of bins.
SON: dad why is my sister named Rose
DAD: because your mother loves roses
SON: i see. thank you dad
DAD: no problem, My Beautiful Wife
No thanks, babies. If I’m going to let something inside of my body that’s going to destroy my figure, it’ll be cheese, bread and booze.
My crush suddenly stopped texting me today. Either she is in the gravest of danger or she spontaneously decided she hates my guts. Those are literally the only two things that could have happened.
[sitting at bar next to cute woman]
You remind me of my late wife.
“Oh I’m so sorry.”
Don’t be, *looks across restaurant* there she is now.
Man claims world will end Saturday. My producer tried to book him for an interview tomorrow. He said he wasn’t available until next week.
I wasted 400 years of my life trying to figure out if I was a vampire.
Local community Facebook pages are like:
“When is garden bin collection day?”
– “Ours is this Friday, but I don’t live in your area”
– – “This Friday is my daughter Leslie’s birthday”