“I’m a social activist. No seriously. I just changed my profile picture to a rainbow.” -everyone on Facebook
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I just accidentally ordered a $300 bottle of wine on this cruise and now my wife is thinking of throwing me overboa
[aliens observing earth]
“Horse racing is the shit we gotta start doing that”
If a guy runs his fingers through your hair, there is a 33.3% chance you are being used as a napkin.
first time in subway and the worker took a picture of my order 😭😭 am I doing this wrong
When you think about it, Jesus really accomplished a lot in the four months between Christmas and Easter.
when you don’t want to be too vague
Or you could just call them Antiques and not totally creep people out…
[Last day of school for the year]
Kids: Yay!
Parents: [checking to see when first day of school is]
Five little monkeys jumping on the bed,
One fell down and bumped his head,
Mama called the doctor and the doctor said,
Start a GoFundMe or else he’s dead
Why I’m starting to hate Twitter…
Can I come inside the house?
Me: No
Why do you treat me like a doormat?
Me: You ARE a doormat
Doormat: Wow, the truth finally comes out!
I’ll be the one at the office Christmas party, waiting patiently near the exit, so I can be the second person to leave.
I embrace aging gracefully
And bitterly
With good humor
And rage
A guy in line just asked me to hold his coffee and I’m like I’m not looking for anything serious right now.
I’m convinced that if Earth explodes all the cats will land safely on the moon, on their feet.
[eulogy] “Before we get started I’d like to ask Jenny, Dawn, Rachel, the deceased’s 2 sons and the entire front row to put down your phones”
It is crazy easy to buy a birthday cake.
Even if it is no one’s birthday.
They don’t even check.
My 13 y/o daughter is a little disappointed that her friends backed out of wearing an inflatable shark costume for Halloween and are going as Bluey characters instead but she’s sticking with the shark.
13: They just don’t take Halloween as seriously as me.
Me: I’m so over him
Vodka: No you’re not, you should text him
Me: Really?
Vodka: Yes! 25 times
When I can’t barge, I careen.
Hear me out. An Elton John themed Indian restaurant named Rocket Naan.
Never play poker at the zoo. Too many cheetahs.
Make new friends? bro out of what?
A political analyst said we can defeat ISIS by “crippling them financially” so maybe we can sneak into Syria and build them a Whole Foods.
Sorry baby I can’t open the car door for you you have to jump through the window. There’s a price to pay for being cool.
Trevor eventually flunked out of dentistry school
Helping my daughter study for her geology exam, and apparently ‘hard’ ‘classic’ and ‘punk’ AREN’T the 3 different types of rock.
Who knew.
Let one kid cut the cookie and let the other kid choose their half. That way, if they fight about it, one kid already has a knife
Me: *takes her shirt off & sees a padded bra* whoa
Her: I’m so sorry, are you upset?
M: *pulls a salami out of my shorts* let’s call it even
Planning sweet revenge on my wife: Once she’s napping, I’m gonna burn the shit out of some popcorn