It took 3 employees to help me complete “self-checkout” today.
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A lady at the apple orchard disco the other night asked if I was born a man or a woman and I, drunk, beckoned her close to whisper and then hollered I WAS BORN A BABY into her ear
Well Avril, given that you were describing two completely different situations at the beginning and the end of the song, in retrospect yes I do believe you could have made it more obvious
My doctor pulled me aside and asked why I had so many scratches on me and never in my life have I felt more like a teenage boy than when I sheepishly explained it was because last weekend was wrestlemania and I was practicing wrestling moves with my friend.
When life hands you 3 kids…..
You add the lemons to some vodka and hide in the closet.
“The curb is just a reverse pothole” I whisper to myself as I hear the wheel scraping against cement.
Dr. Seuss would have CRUSHED it on 8 Mile.
Nothing refreshes my memory of what I need at the grocery store like coming home from the grocery store.
*At store buying school supplies*
Son: I need hashtag 2 pencils
#ISeeNoPointIn trying to do bunny ears as a joke
Erm I’m gonna say no
Serial killers are updating their check list now for dumping bodies:
1) will this location be discovered by Pokémon players?
2) do I care?
FRIEND: OMG I’m so glad to get away from my kids for a bit
ME: haha yeah I don’t think I’ll ever have kids
FRIEND: no it’s the best
I consider it a personal victory everytime that I don’t ask a person wearing a leg cast if they’ve broken their leg.
I’m going to need a list of snacks that will be there before I show up.
Hey. I just… haven’t felt the same since I left you. I wish we could spend all day and night together, but that’s not healthy. For either of us. I don’t know where I’m going with this but I just wanted you to know I’m thinking about you. I miss you.
– texts to my bed
A clean house is the true sign of a broken WIFI.
these two trucks have the same bed length
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
I don’t understand how people use plastic wrap successfully.
“I call it orange soda cause it’s orange and soda”
-My 4yo inventing orange soda
You’re right autocorrect. Much is gracias.
I just got belted in my face by a rogue piece of carrot that fell out of my sports bra while doing downward facing dog.
Me: I took two naps today and was just falling asleep again.
Him: I can think of something to wake you up. *wraggles eyebrows*
Me: Is it food?
STARBUCKS BARISTA: I got a latte here for *squinting* Catheter Zebra Jokes?
CATHERINE ZETA-JONES: *sigh* That’s gotta be mine—
CATHETER ZEBRA JOKES: Hey not so fast, lady.
well well well, if it isn’t the consequences (dying of the plague) of my own actions (putting a rat i found in an alley under my hat to help me cook hotdogs better)
8-year-old: It’s so weird to see a teacher at the store.
Me: Teachers have lives outside of school.
8: Since when?
Funny how people only believe their horoscope when it’s something good about them.
Astrological sign: You’re smart.. but not really. You’re actually just an idiot.
Now what?
Divorce:
Step 1: She throws all your shit in the street
Step 2: The judge says you have to give it all back to her.
Me: YAY! Nice weather is finally here!
Weather: Here are some mosquitos to fight off while you mow your lawn.