Washed out as a mathlete. Now I (secretly) call myself an algebranaut.
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The United States is going to start minting pennies next year that will have a joke on the front with the answer on back.
They will be referred to as “cents of humor.”
Go to the bar with you? Sure dude but know in advance that I’m the worst wingman since Icarus.
A guy saw me giving my dog water and said that he hopes I have a husband with how caring I am to my dog and I had to explain to him that men should be able to drink water on their own
COWORKER: you got like 8 hickeys. Must’ve been a fun weekend haha
ME (remembering not to talk about octopus fight club): yea it got pretty wild
[grocery store, frozen aisle]
Me: *inhales, stretches arms high*
OmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmmClerk: ma’am are you doing yoga?
Me: oh no, I’m just trying to reach dinner peas
the guy who invented constellations was like “see those 4 stars? that’s a bear” and everyone else was just too busy trying to not die from the plague to fight him on it
Jeff: I’m from New Jersey
Geoff: I’m from New Georsey
When life gives you lemons you probably have a paper cut.
You sure about that?
CONTRACTOR: it’s a small leak you just need a plumber
BOWSER: castle’s ruined boys we’re moving!
My fingers are still red from the one Hot Cheeto I ate 17 years ago.
firemen keep harvesting my cat tree
Her: Col. Mustard did it in the conservatory with a lead pipe because the victim’s loud chewing drove him to it.
Me: You don’t have to give a motive. *bites into apple* Hey, is that a real lead pi
Im losing my mind and can’t remember when I’ve already done things.
Case in point: My fish are actually looking obese.
So one of team members text me to say he wasn’t well and couldn’t make it to work. I don’t think the first text was meant for me…
ME: I need to return this blender
WALMART EMPLOYEE: Why?
ME:(thinking about how i broke it trying to blend rocks to make sand)
“Its haunted”
On the toilet for 20 minutes. Wish you were here.
My 8yo: A kid at school is always mean to me.
Me: What do you think is a good way to deal with it?
8yo: We should probably call the FBI and run surveillance on him.
I stop strangers from talking by smelling their hair & saying,”You smell like Pa. Pa loved his wood chipper. Never did find them drifters.”
Apparently a guy named George Martin leaked all the main plot points of the next season of Game of Thrones in some books he published. Jerk.
My term for half of a 13×9 pan of brownies is “dessert”.
My term for the other half is “breakfast”.
Gangs should do drive-bys with t-shirt guns it’d be less violent & the shirt could say “you suck” so the target still gets the message
If a tree falls on your ex on the woods and no one hears it you should still get rid of the chainsaw.
..Just in case!
[steps off crosstrainer]
“Hey girl [out of breath, hands on knee] you like f-fitness? Cos I’m fitn–”
“Shall I call an ambulance?”
“Please.”
Running with my dog, holding his poop in a small, lavender scented, biodegradable bag like the top-of-the-food-chain creature that I am.
As a young girl she played the game Operation and dreamed about the day she could illegally harvest vital organs in real life.
you telling me a banana nut in this bread
Abs are made in the kitchen, but a six pack can be bought in a store
My signature move is being a complete idiot trying to convince someone that I’m not drink.
Drank.
Drunk.
me: i’ll just soak this dish so it’s easier to clean
brain: probably will be good in a minute
me: yeah but imagine how good it’ll be in a month