being over 40 is like the movie speed but you can’t drop below 600mg of ibuprofen in your system
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Friend: She really likes you.
Me: Oh yeah?
Friend: She thinks you hung the moon.
Me: *who has been plotting for years to strangle the moon* Not yet.
I like how commercials for gum seem to be predicting a cold, dystopian future where our survival depends on the freshness of our breath.
My GF just passed the Bar. Not only will I be a stay at home Dad Im suing everyone.
The houseplant died inside, so I threw it out, and now it’s growing in the driveway just to spite me.
Mad at your man? Five minutes before he gets home, turn on “Pitch Perfect” then hide the remote in the dishwasher.
Whether it’s aliens or zombies, the importance of a head start cannot be overstated.
The top Little Caesars pizza competitor is Big Brutus.
Crazy how my 3-year-old can expertly maneuver the Android operating system but can’t put on a flip flop.
her: have i been a bad girl?
me: *not great at dirty talk* yeah you’re a terrible person.
Sometimes I rock it as a parent, other times I drop my phone on my sleeping child’s face while taking a picture of them. It’s called balance.
Me: where do you want to eat?
My gf, a moth: idc you decide
[arranges a candlelit dinner]
Me: my god, I’ve made a huge mistake
god: you get to hang out with man and be his best friend
dog: cool
god: and you get to be man’s steed and travel with him far and wide
horse: nice
chicken: and what do i get to do?
god: uhhh
chicken: god what do i get to do
interviewer: do you feel like you have grown as a person?
me: ok well I was literally like a foot tall when I was born
They built different out in Florida man. Hitting a Gator with a cast iron skillet is nuts 🤣
Me: not today, anxiety!
My kids: hold my koolaid..
Friend: I can’t sleep.
Me: Have you tried putting your phone down?
Friend: Then how will I complain that I can’t sleep?
To the thief who stole my antidepressants, I hope you’re happy now.
How do girls remember every word of an argument? I don’t remember what I had for dinner and I’m eating it now
All tattoos have meaning. In Brazil, they mostly mean you have disposable income
My wife’s yoga class is really relaxing…
‘Cuz she’s usually gone for at least two hours.
I told my husband to tell me I don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm and he had the NERVE to say, “You don’t need chips and salsa at 11 pm.”
Babies make for the worst pets ever, I try to explain to all of the expectant mothers at the grocery store.
Will I understand This Too Shall Pass if I haven’t seen This One Shall Pass?
My new SUV has a button that says
“Rear Wiper”.
I’m afraid to push it.
This kitten is just what my house needed.
Another female that doesn’t listen to me.
Mob boss: fellas, restrain him
me: you can’t restrain me if you’ve never strained me
Mob boss: and gag him
Online shopping is all fun and games until you have to get up and get your credit card from the other room.
There’s a kid on my nephews soccer team that thinks he’s a dinosaur so he’s just out there screeching and biting other kids on the field
I love my nephew, but I’m only here to watch VelociRyan
I love the smell of relapse in the morning
Tampon commercials create an unrealistic expectation of how much fun it is to be around menstruating women.