You should never text and drive. All it takes is one moment of distraction and suddenly everyone in the group chat thinks you can’t spell.
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GF: I’m leaving you
Me: WHAT? WHY?
GF: You’re too afraid to take risks
Me: [Softening Doritos under a tap before eating them] THATS BULLSHIT
Who called it a “backpack” and not, “the sexiest way to deliver bees to an ex.”
[gym]
Excuse me, can I borrow your towel? This cinnamon roll is really sticky.
Took the road less travelled after buying the sat nav less expensive
“If you can’t beat them, join them,” I say, as I join my kids in demanding someone make breakfast.
“I’m an animal in the bedroom.”
you like when people scratch your belly?
*at funeral*
Thank you all for coming. As you already know, my dignity has left us.
I tripped in front of all my coworkers. It was tragic.
To the dude i just saw driving a beat up Ford mini van with spare tire and dream catcher on mirror: that dream catchers not working dude!
Road Runner was my favorite cartoon that showed running from your problems works if you’re fast as hell.
This librarian isn’t even wearing glasses! I’m not even going to ask her where a book is. She’s not going to know.
Just got your text from last night: you need to cut the red wire first to stop the countdown.
Where is my emotional support mac n cheese when I need it?
boss: david, you’re fired
me: *just got a haircut* is that alllllll you have to say to me 🙂
godzilla: lol KING kong, a little pretentious aren’t we
king kong: oh you’re one to talk
[holding the door open for a pretty woman]
Her: *smiling* Thank you, gallant sir
Me: *blushing* I aim to please
Wife: *withering* Honey, we’ve shared a bathroom for 18 years, he aims for the floor
M: I despise you
Perfect
motorcycle cop who arrested me: hop on.
Just as a wedding ring tells others you’re married,
the mysterious brown stain on my shirt and rogue booger in my hair says “I’m a mom”.
me: ever been sued for enamel cruelty?
dentist: how are you talking out your nose
I’m great at coloring eggs. Every morning I turn them black.
You should be able to make your GPS call you a code name.
“Bobcat, in 3.1 miles turn left”
“Recalculating, Bobcat, you’re going rogue.”
[Restaurant]
Date: I like guys who plan ahead
Me: Excuse me, waiter! *Leans in* Make sure my widow here is well looked after
Sure I named my black cat Blackie and my grey cat Grey, but you need to be a little less obvious with babies. Isn’t that right, Mistake?
*doesnt stand for national anthem as protest against people who don’t stand for national anthem*
Sorry I yelled “SURPRISE!” when you caught me in bed with your husband.
I was unaware that you don’t like surprises.
China spy balloon:
“We’re trying to contact you about your car’s extended warranty.”
boss: why aren’t you working?
me: i didn’t see you coming!
*CVS lady hands me receipt
Me: we talk about these on twitter
CVS lady: why
Me: they’re long
CVS lady: is that what twitter’s for
Me: mostly
I self medicate, therefore you live.
when you’re jamming to an old-school r&b song and someone older than you ask “what you know about this?”
me: